You all know the soccer mom who wears the running/yoga pants with no intentions of running? That is me! I loathe running. Don’t get me wrong I love the idea of it.  It is a hobby that one day I dream I can do with my husband who enjoys running. I feel like it would be a blissful 30 minutes alone with my thoughts or listening to a podcast while enjoying nature. That however is never how it goes. Instead it looks like this:

• Begin internal debate how far or how fast I should run.
• Ooooo that hill. I can do it.
• Oh man I did not wear the right underwear for this.
• Nope I can not do this hill.
• The heat!
• Do I look weird right now?
• Never actually listen to said podcast.
• Why is this a good idea again?

I know you are thinking right now, “There are programs out there for you. Couch to 5K perhaps.” Yes, I have tried it three times. Never made it past day one. The reality is I am actually very good at running. Take for example the final years of high school. Everyone was applying for top schools. Not me. I applied to one school at the end of my Junior year and had early acceptance. I didn’t apply anywhere else. It was safe.

In 2009, I felt a “tug” to share my story of loss. In 2006, we had to do the unthinkable and remove our son from life support. I instantly became a part of this secret club. It’s secret because so often mom’s don’t talk about their loss with others. It makes others feel uncomfortable. However when you read the stories of other moms who have survived this loss, you realize you are not the only one, you too can survive. For me this was the first time someone “got me” and I knew I could be the same lifeline for someone else.

I began writing here and there and researching the process. The call got louder. Every single sermon was screaming at me. Sharing something so personal is overwhelming and scary. It is easier to just pretend everything is fine.

In 2012, my friend Katie asked me to share the story of our loss on Mumbling Mommy. In an attempt to quiet the call, I wrote a four series blog. It was vague. It was surface level personal but, “Boom. Did it.”

The voice to write did not quiet. I just got really good at ignoring it. I was really good at distracting myself with my children, work, and everything else. Basically you can call me Jonah.

You see in Jonah 1:1-3 we learn about a man, Jonah, who was called to go to Nineveh to preach. Jonah did not want to go. He was afraid to go. So instead he ran in the opposite direction. Just like me.

Then for years I hear the sweet sound of silence. Insert happy dancing. God finally realized all I along I was right. He did not need me to do this. I am not qualified.

Jonah went aboard a boat. Jonah 1:4

4 Then the Lord sent a great wind on the sea, and such a violent storm arose that the ship threatened to break up.

January 2019 was a tough month for me. It became apparent I was doing too much and I needed to say “no” to some of my commitments. I stepped away from five years of my liaison role between my church and our outreach partner I love, Promising Pages. It was difficult, but now I see it opened the opportunity to be obedient. January was also tough because it marked the 13 birthday for our deceased son, Alexander and the kids were raising money for the American Heart Association in his memory.

I am not sure what exactly made this year more difficult than the last few years other than God was sending me a storm. The storm within me brought me to begin reflecting on my Hallway Moment (sorry you will have to wait for my book for that explanation). I told my husband that I wanted to get a wave tattooed on my wrist (THE WAVE blog will come out at the book launch)(sorry, not sorry).

Like most good stories, the reality of the storm all began with my sister.

Out of the blue she sends me a text asking me, “Whatever happened to that book you were going to write?” My response of course involved lots of laughing. That ships has sailed.

The very next day I get a text from my best friend in Michigan asking me whatever happened to the book I was going to write along with a screenshot of a devotional she read about the importance of sharing/writing your story. Uh oh.

February 10, our pastor begins a series Maybe:God. He said we need to stop running from our calling and if we have been, don’t worry God calls back. I about fell out of my chair.

February 11- I was reading chapter 5 in Lysa Terkeurst It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way with my women’s eGroup. This is what I posted for my eGroup:  As I was reading Chapter 5 I felt like she was speaking directly towards me. It is the scariest thing to read something you felt was written just for you. It’s scary because it takes stepping out and through “Satan’s script: not. Good. Enough” He has been distracting me from that for YEARS. “I must bring the WORD of my testimony.” Holy moly how will I ever do this? So many “what if’s” “you cant”…

February 13-

Post in my eGroup: Wow! Between this book, a Bible App plan I’m doing, sermons, and family/friends God is pushing me right now to stop running and start doing what He has asked of me.

The next Sunday’s sermon was still in the Maybe: God series and pastor said God is only going to show me what I need to know. I can’t see every step.

My sister, yeah the one who opened my eyes to this storm, was also listening to the sermons and said to me, “Well Jonah you better not get too close to water or a whale just might eat you up.” I looked down at my wrist, just 11 days before I had a wave tattooed, and I cried out “my arm!!”

I found on a shelf a journal our pastor had given us at the end of 2017 with a letter marked Heart and Soul. I was saving it. This seemed the perfect time to use it. I began writing.

The following weekend pastor continues the series and preached from 1 Samuel 13:23-14:14 “I am with you heart and soul” and we need to “move on a maybe.”

So here I was moving on a maybe.

Maybe it was God telling me to stop running.

Maybe it was God stirring the storm in my heart.

Maybe just maybe, if I wouldn’t have been obedient God would have sent a whale next.

The next step was to keep writing in obedience and becoming THE FINISHER.

What maybe do you need to move on? What is in your heart right now that feels too big, too overwhelming, and too painful that God is calling you to? Stop running. Today is the day to start something new.