It is Thanksgiving morning and we have pulled into my grandparents driveway. As we walk along the path to the front porch I can smell the lunch already in preparation through the kitchen window. I can hear the chatter and laughter from within as I see the door is already open just welcoming us inside. 

For the rest of the day/evening the door will remain open with just the glass storm door between us and the cold Indiana fall. This open door beckons all those arriving to come on in. Giving a sense that not only are you welcome here but we are waiting for you. 

I have always loved this feeling. Whenever we own a home with a storm door I open the main door. Whenever we don’t, I desire to have it added.  I love having an open door policy, welcoming people in. If the weather is good enough for it I have been known to leave my door wide open on eGroup nights reminding all who walks through the doors that not only are they welcome but they are “home.” 

Over the past 6 months doors have been symbolic for me. In December I realized I needed to walk away from outreach. I loved the organization I worked with and I loved what I had been doing for the past 5 years, but I was feeling the urge to close that door. This decision was not taken lightly but in the end I knew it was what I had to do. 

What I did not know was my obedience to close that door would open another. For some reason I thought I was “doing too much” and needed to step back. You see God was preparing me to step into obedience for his calling for me. 

Even though I fought Him for several weeks, I finally surrendered. If you are feeling a little lost I encourage you to read my previous blogs: BECAUSE I SAID SO!, JUST CALL ME JONAH, and THE FINISHER.

On Mother’s Day I finished. I said to God, “There it is done! I was obedient. I will walk through any doors you open but you can go ahead and close this.” 

Did you see my mistake? I didn’t until the next day when door after door began to open. Here I am overwhelmed by it all.

Feelings of inadequacy and the word “unqualified” blinks in a giant neon sign, impossible to ignore.  

I begun intentionally praying about doors. For the right ones to open and for me to be able to recognize doors He was firmly closing. 

Acts 14:27 When they had arrived and gathered the church together, they began to report all things that God had done with them and how He had opened a door of faith to the Gentiles.

MacLaren’s Commentary on this verse says, “Faith is but the means of entrance. It (the door) has no worth in itself, but is precious only because it admits the true wealth. The door is nothing. It is only an opening.”

I struggle with faith. Not because I don’t believe in God, I do. Not because I haven’t seen Him provide in ways that can only be pointed back to Him, because I have. 

Faith is a struggle. Faith requires trusting every detail and outcome will be worked out for my good.

Fast forward to this past weekend. I went to She Speaks, a Christian writing/speaking conference by Lysa Terkurst and Proverbs 31 Ministries. It was a phenomenal two 13 hour day experience filled with main sessions and workshops. I learned so much valuable applicable information. In my obedience to sign up for this conference not only did a bonus check come in the mail covering the cost, but I was able to snag three publisher appointments.

Five days before, my husband and I realized we had a “miscommunication” about the business cards that were to be ordered and ready for me to take. They were not done. I was trying to remain calm and only control that which I could. The next day I listened to a podcast about author conferences and they suggested buttons instead of business cards. The following day I looked into it and sure enough I had buttons instead. By golly I was the only one with buttons. 

I am sitting in a conference room in the fourth row of chairs listening to the speaker for the workshop. In approximately an hour I am to meet with my first publisher. My belly is doing flip flops as I have been given so much advice on what to say/not say that it is beginning to all run together. I have 15 minutes to pitch my book. 15 minutes to make an impression. I begin second guessing all of this. I am overwhelmed with the feeling that I have made a huge mistake and I don’t belong here. I look around and everyone has it together. I begin to smell a very faint familiar smell. I ignore it and continue arguing with myself, “how could my story matter when all these women also have stories to share?” This familiar smell gets stronger and lingers. In an instant I realize this smell is the smell of my Alex and all the thoughts shut off. My baby. My sweet baby’s smell. The smell that even if I tried I couldn’t not describe nor replicate but here it is. So strong. Then I get it. I am supposed to be here. I am supposed to share God’s glory through Alex’s story. 

It is a firm no from the agent. In this moment I should have been wrecked. In this moment I should have been angry that God would show me a yes, but give me a no. instead I realized it was just a door closing. 

Another day comes as does another publishing appointment. This one is a yes! But apparently traditional publishers work at snail spear and no firm decisions will be made until October with a potential book launch in 2021. Yowzers!

This same day I am in the exact same room in a different workshop learning all about the different ways to publish from self to hybrid to traditional. I didn’t walk away confused on the information but confused on what I was supposed to do. How I was going to do it? If I am being completely honest, I was contemplating if I was even willing to do any of it.

I walked outside to get a minute to myself when I receive a text message from a number I did not recognize. It was a text from Alex’s cardiothoracic surgeon. He was getting an update on some edits he had done for the book. I couldn’t believe the timing! I told him where I was currently. He told me this book was going to “save many families from some grief.”

The encouragement from someone who has no obligation to you warms your soul like a coffee on a crisp fall day.

I wish I could tell you it is clear to me which path to take. I wish I could tell you I have a plan. The truth is I am still overwhelmed with information and have no clue what is my next step. 

But here is what I do know:

• God is powerful enough to open physical doors:
  In Acts 16: 16-26  Paul and Silas had been arrested, severely flogged, and thrown into prison. Instead of doubting God they sing praises.
  26 Suddenly there was such a violent earthquake that the foundations of the prison were shaken. At once all the prison doors flew open, and everyone’s chains came loose.
  
  In Acts 12:1-10 Peter has been imprisoned for proclaiming Jesus and is awaiting his trial. Instead of being up all night worrying he is sleeping! An angel appears and not only removes his chains and opens the prison doors but the iron gate to the city. 10 They passed the first and second guards and came to the iron gate leading to the city. It opened for them by itself, and they went through it. When they had walked the length of one street, suddenly the angel left him.
• Praise Him and sleep on it. 
  If God can open these physical doors to advance His kingdom, He can open the ones in life that we can’t even see. So instead of worrying we need to praise Him and trust Him enough to sleep on it. 
• Faith requires us to walk through the door. 
  It doesn’t really matter what doors are opened if we are never obedient enough to walk through them. Letting go of the control will have to be a daily choice. 

I would love to hear about the doors God has opened/closed for you! Are you struggling right now in this like I am? How is God showing you to let go of the control and have faith to walk through open doors?