I can hear the persistent rhythmic beeping of the monitors reminding me that life is still here and I feel instant warmth. A right out of the oven cookie warmth to my soul. The distinct smell is not of cookies but the smell of an ICU. The smell of antiseptic, clean but not eat off the floor kind of clean. In this moment I feel oddly cold as I walk toward my son’s door of the PICU. I look through the glass to see his bed but he is gone. I shriek. 

I sit up in bed in a sweat.

I should probably stop binge watching Gray’s Anatomy before I go to bed. 

Even after 13 years, I still have these weird dreams periodically. More than the night dreams I will have a day dream. We all have them. In just the right temperature I will be reminded of cool fall days growing up in Michigan. Just the feel and smell of crisp air will take me right back to going to my older brother’s high school football games. It was “small town USA” and all the kids ran under the bleachers playing the whole game. We also spent those crips days riding bikes, running from yard to yard, and jumping in piles of leaves that our parents spent the day raking.  

These are fond memories. Memories that I don’t mind being reminded of. But what about those memories that are more like triggers?

Katy Perry’s song Never Really Over has these lyrics:

“Two years and just like that
My head still takes me back
Thought it was done
But I guess it’s never really over”

Isn’t it true how all the “progress” in our getting over something, addictions, grief etc can all be set back with just one trigger? 

A smell. 
A sound.
A date.
A place.
A person.
A song.
Any reminder can take us right back. 

Sometimes I love these reminders. Even though it is painful it reminds me my son was real. 

He is not a memory or a figment of my imagination. He was here. 

But sometimes these triggers rock my soul to the core. It breaks me in new ways and makes me feel as if I can never be whole. How do we pick ourselves up after this? 

“Just because it’s over doesn’t mean it’s really over.” 

I can’t help but reflect on grace. 

Jesus has died on the cross. 

“The next day, on the Sabbath, the leading priests and Pharisees went to see Pilate. They told him, “Sir, we remember what that deceiver once said while he was still alive: ‘After three days I will rise from the dead.’ So we request that you seal the tomb until the third day. This will prevent his disciples from coming and stealing his body and then telling everyone he was raised from the dead! If that happens, we’ll be worse off than we were at first.” Pilate replied, “Take guards and secure it the best you can.” So they sealed the tomb and posted guards to protect it.” ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭27:62-66‬ ‭NLT‬‬

They thought by sealing the tomb it was over. But the joke was on them because it was never really over. 

No on the third day Jesus rose from the dead. Despite the precautions the guards took. Because of this grace, Jesus willingness to die for me and rise I can have hope. 

I can have hope I will see my son again.
We can have hope this addiction that keeps trying to pull us in can be overcome.
We can have hope the grief that crashes us in waves can subside.

We can have hope the trigger is just a setback but not a sealed stone. 

What is your trigger? Can I  come alongside you to pray for you to remind you this trigger is only a setback?