I began preparing for this post several weeks ago, but Satan is good at what he does, and I almost threw it all away. 

I recently read an article stating the average US marriage that ends in divorce only lasts seven years. Biblically seven means completion- God created the universe in six days and rested on the seventh, the walls of Jericho fell on the seventh day, etc. Ironic that marriages end after only seven years? I don’t think so. 

When my husband and I hit the eighth year mark we felt really good. Although statistics have changed over the years, after we lost our son shortly after our one year anniversary I read book after book that told me we would beat the odds if our marriage made it. According to a more recent article, the divorce rate is only 16% compared to the 80% or higher that I was reading in books. Regardless, I was determined that our marriage would not be a part of that statistic. 

After a high five to my husband on the eighth anniversary, six months later we discovered we were pregnant with our fourth child (two years after a vasectomy). This child is our quiet comedian, the one that is always making faces or saying silly things to get a laugh. He has the smile that can brighten any room. However, he is also our stubborn child and carries anxieties we don’t fully understand (heights, large crowds, new places, and new experiences). He has been challenging because he is so very different than our other two living children. The discipline is different and parenting is different. 

The parenting part is challenging and can cause rifts between my husband and I. I think my husband is too hard on him and he believes I baby him. This rift came to a large split recently over riding a bike. Ironically just a few days after I had written the words below. Like I said Satan is good at what he does. You see, this crack made me question the words I had written. How can I share these Marriage Secrets when I have THIS happening. 

Satan didn’t want me to share it. I don’t follow Satan. Rhythm Changes Everything and so please know that I am not making claims our marriage is perfect by any means, because we have our moments. I am believing this was written for someone.

ROLE MODEL

Whether it is your parents, an older couple you can look up to, or another couple find them. They won’t be perfect and you should not expect that. You should look for a couple who clearly values each other, shares their mistakes, and how they overcome their obstacles. 

Find the couples that never convinces you “the grass is greener” but reminds you fertilizer sometimes stinks. 

I am lucky enough to have a good friend who is very similar to my husband. Therefore she will listen to me, have empathy, but then will give me a reality check on his perspective. Sometimes this means I am in the wrong. 

I was once told “you are the company you keep.” If you hang around with couples who don’t treat their spouse well, then you might find yourself imitating the same behavior.

 Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm. (Proverbs 13:20)

TRUST

I get it. This is hard. I am not perfect, nor is my husband. We have both done things to break each others trust at different times. 

The difference in this relationship is we believe the best in each other. 

Because we do this we can don’t automatically jump to conclusions, make assumptions, but instead trust knowing neither one of us chooses to hurt the other. 

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:7)

BEND 

The most interesting road trips have lots of bends in the road, so does a marriage. 

This will require forgiveness. A few months after our son died, my husband revealed something he has been hiding from me. It was heartbreaking not because it was a big deal but because I felt lied to, naive, and honestly like a fool. My mind began running a mile a minute making calculations to all the times he had tried covering it up and succeeded in doing so. My sister gave me the best advice that day. She asked me if I wanted a divorce. It was crazy! Of course I didn’t want a divorce over something so small. She then told me I needed to forgive him. I remember asking if I needed to forgive him right away or if I could let him stew on it for a bit longer. She laughed and told me as long as I forgave him before the day was over. I did what any woman would do. I drove to a bookstore and enjoyed a coffee while reading. After a few missed calls I headed home and forgave my husband. 

Taking up coffee was a bend for my husband. One day I shared with my husband that my retirement dream was to sit on a porch overlooking water with coffee in our hands as we discussed the day. The only problem was he didn’t drink coffee. So he bent. He now drinks a cup of coffee everyday so I can have my dream. 

“Be completely humble and gentle, be patient, bearing with one another in love.”  Ephesians 4:2

LANGUAGE

Remember growing up when your teacher would say something you disagreed with and you would then argue with them while your friend recorded it on her phone? Me neither. No you would listen, complain to your friends after class, and maybe even your parents if you wanted action. You did not argue with the teacher. You didn’t let your feelings run wild. This should be the rule in marriage. 

When tensions are high, it is best to watch your mouth. 

Very early on in our marriage my husband said that I was to never use the D word… divorce. He said it is not a word to toss around and he takes it seriously, therefore if I say it then I truly want a divorce. Wouldn’t it be nice if we treated all hurtful words like the D word? When you are with someone for a while, you learn their triggers and the words to cause the most pain. Often times these are the words we use when hurt. This is something we try very hard not to do. Instead of focusing on the hurtful words, focus on the words that will encourage one another. 

“Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!” Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

SLEEP ON IT

Go to bed angry. Yes, you read that right. Go to bed angry. Oh I know so many people say, “never go to bed angry,” but they are wrong. 

Here is the thing, if you are still upset about it at bedtime, arguing throughout the night while you are tired will never “solve” the issue. 

If it somehow does it is most likely because someone is reluctantly compromising so they can get some sleep before work the next day. 

Honestly, most likely it won’t feel so big in the morning. If it does you now have time to come to the conversation with a cooler head. A head that is not running on high emotions and won’t say something you regret later.

“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” James 1:19–20 

Take a minute. Pray about it as you close your eyes. Allow God to work through the anger you may have to your spouse and chances are you will feel different in the morning. If you don’t then it should be addressed (but please while not while one or both of you is at work). 

FINANCES

Get on the same page as soon as possible. This will require some compromise, especially if you have been living with separate incomes or have different spending habits. 

Start with your financial goals. 

How much money do you need in your savings? Experts say you should have 6 months of living expenses saved. If this feels too big start with 3 months. How are you planning for retirement? What upcoming adventures, big ticket items, or large expenditures do you want to save for? Once you have sorted out what you need to save, create a budget. Oh budgets are hard. I know. They feel constricting. But if you can both agree on what you want to SAVE for the budget doesn’t feel so hard because you see the end prize. 

We find it is best to split the finances. If he does the long term investing and keeps up with watching the monthly spending and I do the month to month budgeting we work together the best. Doing this allows both of us to have a sense of control and a part in the budget. We both see where we are spending money, therefore holding each other accountable. We also tell each other if we plan to spend more than $100 on a purchase. 

“Which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it?” Luke 14:28

SERVE

Serve together. Whether that be at church or through an organization find time to regularly serve others. When we can recognize the needs of others it places our own needs in a new perspective. 

This is also the same for serving each other. 

One of the most unique things we did at our wedding was wash each other’s feet. 

It was a symbol from this day forward I will serve you and put your needs before my own. This wasn’t one person submitting to the other, but laying down ourselves. We live in a world where it is “all about me” and not enough about “we.” When we begin to place ourselves second, perspective shifts, and we see ourselves as a unit. 

“If I then, the Lord and the Teacher, washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet.” (John 13:14)

SNEAK AWAY

Leave the kids with family or a babysitter for 24 hours and get away.

For your marriage you need to step away from the everyday hustle and make time just for yourselves.

It is refreshing to unplug and focus on only your spouse. It doesn’t have to be expensive or far away. We use booking.com to find a cheap rate and only travel 20 minutes away. We never do anything extravagant. We just take time to be together, eat foods without sharing meals with kids, and have uninterrupted conversation. Do it. Plan it today!

I pray that these Marriage Secrets encourage you to take a look at your own marriage. Perhaps you need to pray over the things that are causing your rift and how you can become a unit. Perhaps you need to just begin to pray for your future spouse. We all have a wealth of knowledge inside of us, what Marriage Secrets do you have?