My soccer mom minivan recently took a nosedive. Her engine needed to be replaced costing us more than the value of the van. So I upgraded in soccer mom status, soccer mom’s aren’t driving minivans anymore, to a mid-size SUV. With this came the lane-keep assist technology. This is a beautiful thing for when I am riding with my husband. Gone are the days he could change lanes without using his signal. Gone are the days I would have to hold my breath for large portions of our family vacations. However, when I am driving it is difficult. When the wheel pulls itself it reminds me a lot of my Michigan snow days when the car would be pulled on the slick slushy snow with the potential to slide off the road.
As I thought about it the more I realize it isn’t just the horrible flashbacks of driving in snow but about control. If you came into my home you would notice that everything has its place and most days it looks clean even if it needs to be cleaned. You will notice I have two visible calendars. One for the family to see and for meal planning. The other is for me to plan out what I need to accomplish each day. Both are color coded, of course. I love being organized and planning, it helps maintain order, makes me happy, and keeps me sane.
Deep down it is about control. The desire to manipulate every single thing in my life.
The reason I meal plan and shop for the family…control.
The reason I am the one that loads the dishwasher…control.
The reason I do the laundry each week…control.
The reason I plan every detail of vacations…you guessed it…control.
The reason I don’t want my husband to work from home one day a week…control (and maybe my sanity).
I should have learned about control in 2006 when I had my first son. When Alex was diagnosed with hypo-plastic left heart syndrome after being airlifted to Duke Medical Center, I lost all control. Even in that moment, I didn’t realize it yet. The team of doctors, surgeons, nurses, therapists all had a plan. There is control in a plan. When they wheeled him off to open heart surgery when he was six days old, I was ok. There was a plan in place.
They were going to fix my baby and best case scenario we were going to be home in two weeks. Two weeks was my plan.
In two weeks I would bring home my baby until the next surgery. A change in my original plan, but still a plan.
Eighteen hours after his surgery we received a phone call in the middle of the night to get to the hospital. Our plan had taken a turn. Alex had coded. He was gone for 20 minutes. With his tiny heart physically in the surgeons hand, his surgeon brought him back to us. We were no longer on the track to recovery but rest, wait, and see. There is 0% control in this scenario. No one can determine the outcome. No one can advise on what do no next.
In these moments you realize there is only one who is in control and His perspective looks very different than mine.
I had to relinquish all control over my son to Christ, trusting. I taped Jeremiah 29:11 over his bed, the one bible verse from college I could remember. Yes, I know this verse was for the entire nation of Israel and yes I know they endured 70 years in exile before they received their promise. But for me, in the weeks with my son it gave me hope and the idea of a plan in spite of my lack of control.
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
This week it has really hit me. I have control issues.
Our church campus is fasting for 21 days and this week was week one. I would like to tell you it has been super easy and God is blessing me through it, but I can’t. It isn’t God’s fault. It is mine. I am so caught up in the fact that “something” else is controlling what I am putting in my body, that I can’t think about why I am doing this in the first place. The inability to relinquish this control is affecting how God wants to use me.
You see I am in a season of obedience Just Call Me Jonah. Ironic, because it takes giving up control to be obedient to God’s calling. So here I am focusing back to the bible verse posted over the situation I had no control over.
Focusing on the memory that God’s plans were fruitful, even though I had to go through my own form of exile when losing Alex.
My future has hope as soon as I drop my control issues and rely on Him.
What things in your life do you need to relinquish control over to God?
