As the alarm went off, I reached over with eyes still closed. It was finally Friday and I had a whole list of things to get done before the school bell rang at 3:00. What I didn’t expect was a needed phone call from a long time friend.
As I was speaking to her out of my mouth came the thoughts I had been wrestling with all week.
I have never wrestled a pig but I imagine it is quick slippery, and messy. Basically like wrestling with my REAL thoughts; the ones I stow away because they have feeling attached.
I realized I am angry with God.
This isn’t the first time I’ve tried to hide my anger with God. I was most definitely angry after our son Alex died when he was seven weeks old. Until recently have I started to come to terms with my purpose in the pain.
But this is fresh. This is new. This is “what the crap God?”
I mean really. Why? Why do we have to deal with something else? Couldn’t taking our son from us be enough? Couldn’t that just be the cherry on top and the rest is enjoying the sundae of life.
Can we not just get a “hall pass” for the rest of our lives?
Why does my child have to endure these feelings of anxiety? How do we even begin to navigate something we hardly even understand and he doesn’t comprehend?
As his mother, I am struggling with knowing he will forever struggle. He will forever have to do things different than everyone else. Will he ever be able to play a sport or do anything without fear or people looking at him? Will he ever be able to control his emotions when he feels like he’s losing control? Will kids make fun of him for his excessive blinking, his repetition when frustrated, or his crying? He will forever have to wonder why he is different. This is heartbreaking. So yes, I am angry.
After saying these words out loud to her, I had freed myself. I was no longer chasing the pig, just holding on for dear life. For the rest of the weekend I have been messily dealing with these thoughts and I realized something as I was vacuuming. (I think best when it is clean. Don’t judge me.)
I realized… Why not me?
God never promised a life free from pain, sorrow, or hardships.
1 Peter 5:10 (NLT)
10 In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.
As hard as this is to hold onto, I must trust. I must trust in His perspective.
I must remember I only see what is before me not what is ahead of me.
This week, I am going to try and quiet my wrestling and replace it with gratitude.
-Gratitude that our son is alive and always making us laugh.
-Gratitude for an amazing school staff who has been walking beside us.
-Gratitude for the finances to seek professional help and to learn the tools to navigate this new journey.
-Gratitude for the changes we are already seeing in our parenting and family unit.
-Gratitude for a God who despite my anger has never left me and never will.
Deuteronomy 31:8 (NIV)
8 The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
What hardships are you angry about? How can you shift your perspective to gratitude?
So much truth here! There is always hope in every circumstance and if we bear the cross, then we are truly loved and chosen. Thanks for your honesty in this post, continued prayer for Luke and for you as you navigate!
Amber thank you for both your encouraging words and your friendship.
Thank you for this Candice! It has given me a much needed and new perspective on circumstance. I am glad to have reconnected with you. It is divine and timely.
Thank you so much Beth. I often am replaying the record of “does it even matter” in my head. Thank you for reminding me it does. Your encouragement is much appreciated!
I get it! I really do. I have asked these same questions, wrestled with these same thoughts, dealt with very, very similar circumstances (one son died last year, another son with similar issues still struggling). And, yes, I too realized, “Why NOT me?” For me, at least, it’s a daily surrender to His will for my life even if I don’t understand it, even if it doesn’t make sense to me. I know God is using you and me and our families, our stories for some good–even on the days when it’s hard to see. Thank you for sharing!
Tricia-
I so enjoyed meeting you at She Speaks and hearing about your son. It was not coincidence I plopped down next to you. Thank you for your kind words and keep sharing about your son. Let’s not take any of this for granted!