The leaves have fallen leaving the trees empty and bare. The air is no longer crisp but burns my lungs with each breath. Winter is here. Bye sunshine. Hello gloom.

Every winter is a reminder of my son who is no longer with us. I know I am not alone in this. The chances are high either you have experienced miscarriage, infant loss, or child loss or you know someone who has. 

Just as the Earth’s seasons change, we too go through seasons of life. We all have times when new life is blooming everywhere. We fall in love, start a new dream, have children and all the “new” is springing up. Then it shifts into the fun days of summer. We get to soak up all the things we love, enjoying each person and experience. When the routine of fall creeps in, we jump into the leaves of opportunity and shake off the feelings of disappointment. Then overnight winter arrives in the season of despair, dread, and depression. We lose a job, a friendship breaks, a dream disappoints, or we experience the loss of someone we love. 

Each season can be done alone, but it is always better with a friend. 

Because we all experience every season, we should be properly prepared with the correct clothes. Just as it would be inappropriate to show up to snow ski in your bathing suit, one must show up in our friend’s winter season appropriately. What if your friend’s winter season is a child in ICU and it results in their death? Then what? How do we show up for this season?

In 2006, my son Alexander Cole was born with an undiagnosed congenital heart defect, hypo-plastic left heart syndrome. He had to be airlifted to Duke Medical Center where he underwent open heart surgery when he was six days old. For seven weeks, he remained in the ICU fighting for his life. In the end, my husband and I had to make the decision to remove all life support and hold him as he took his final breath on this earth. I share these tips from my experience as an angel momma, watching other moms experience this, and truly from my heart and soul.

Here are 7 Essentials To Help Another Mom Through A Season of Grief:

1. Show up.
If you do not do anything but show up, you are a blessing. Having someone who is willing to sit by your bedside in ICU or next to you on their couch in silence is beautiful. So often we feel uncomfortable because we don’t know what to say in a situation like this. I am telling you right now, “that is OK!” Even though I have been through it, I still do not have the right words.

Every mom is different and so the “right words” for one mom will not be the same for another.

Especially after loss it will be normal for the mom to want to isolate herself and she may push you away by trying to sabotage the friendship. Please do not take this personal. Remember the mom has been broken into a million pieces. She needs you more than she knows. 

2. Don’t speak.
I realize this may sound harsh, but believe me, do not speak. The amount of times I wanted to punch people for their words is embarrassing to say.

I know, in retrospect, they all meant well, but in the moment of brokenness nothing would have fixed my feelings. 

Here are some examples to avoid:
-“I’m sorry.” Why exactly are you sorry? We should only apologize when we have done the wrong doing. Instead tell it like it is, “This sucks.” “I hate this has happened.” 
-”God must have needed him/her more.” Nope. Not. Helpful. A momma in pain does not feel this way. She wants her baby in her arms and does not care what heaven needs.
-”God never gives you more than you can handle.” Oh really? I would like to argue this one. This was 100% more than I could handle. In fact, it forced me to rely on the only one who could give me peace, Him. But trust me she won’t be ready for that either. 
-”You are young you can have more.” If you say this, prepare to duck. Never is this appropriate. Another child will never replace the one you lost. I know because I have had three more since Alex and they have not replaced the emptiness. 
-”Be thankful for the children you have.” Because Alex was my first, I have never experienced this one first hand but a friend of mine did. She already knows this but again it does not remove the pain of losing a part of her heart. 

3. Don’t cry.
One of the best rules we had in the ICU was no crying at the bedside. It was a rule my husband and I stuck to. Instead we shared stories with our Little Man and laughed a lot. We laughed so much another room in ICU complained. We wanted our son’s life to be surrounded by JOY. 
This rule was also great for visitors. I will tell you seeing my son on a ventilator, with his chest open, lots of wires and contraptions was a lot to take in. If you can’t handle seeing a child like this and keep it together, it is best not to visit.

The parent needs support. When a visitor shows up and cries, that is one more person the mom has to encourage, support, and hold up.

It is not fair to the mom. Simply, save the crying for the car. 
One of my favorite visitors was one who was with Alex on the  Duke Life Flight. He came to visit me every Wednesday, rain or shine, to check on both Alex and myself. He would come in and stay a while. He would tell me about his own children, sharing stories. The best part of the visits is he was a distraction. He reminded me of life beyond the hospital walls. 

4. Offer.

Both while in the ICU with your child and/or after their death, the simplest things seem so difficult.

While Alex was in the ICU, one of my best friends came to stay at the house with our dog. He helped to relieve the anxiety over the dog, because I knew he was taken care of. Gas cards and gift cards to the hospital cafeteria were huge. When I wasn’t at the hospital, I was wasting gas driving the two and a half hours to/from the hospital. I really don’t remember eating much while in the hospital, because I didn’t want to spend the money. When someone would give me a gift card to the cafeteria I would feel beyond blessed. I could eat without worrying about the cost. 
After Alex passed away, we had a ton of food in the first week. These are the days you don’t even feel like eating. I would suggest setting up a Meal Train so not everyone is bringing food at once. On the days you aren’t making a meal you can offer to do the laundry, take any older kids on a playdate, or even pick up their groceries. Grocery stores make this easier than ever now with ordering online. Trust me, they do not want to go to the store, even if it is only to the pick up line. 

5. Ask before you do.
I wish I didn’t have to say this, but even with all the things listed above, ASK before you do. Not only for the little offerings but for the big things too. Please don’t start a fundraiser without asking first. It can often feel as if others are using your child to bring attention to themselves. This may not be the case at all, but it can appear to the mom that you are trying to be the “spokesperson” for the family or using their story for your own personal gain.

Even the most thoughtful act can feel like an implication the parent is not doing “enough.”

I felt this way many times, it was a sucker punch to the gut. I realized it was “official” and I would never get to to x,y,z for my son. Although all thoughtful acts, I was not able/ready to handle them. Always ask before you do.

6. Remember them.
The best thing you can do for a mother is to remember their child.

If you have memories of them, share them.

Text the mom on the child’s birthday and the anniversary of their death. A mom wants to know that after time has passed, their memory has not.
Every year for our son’s birthday, we celebrate. For the past, almost a decade, we have another family who celebrates with us. They never knew him as we met years later, but they love us enough to want to remember him. Our families together do something fun and have cake. Just because he is no longer here, doesn’t mean we can’t sing! 

7. Books and journals.
I am an avid book lover, so naturally books helped heal my soul. I loved to read books about child loss. My favorite was The Worst Loss: How Families Heal From the Death of a Child, written by Barbara D. Rosof. For me however I was seeking a book that I never found. I wanted less medical jargon on healing and more on the whole picture. I wanted someone to tell me the whole story from beginning to current. I wanted to know I was not alone in the journey and I would make it. So for me, I began to journal my thoughts, wanting proof of the journey.

You can help a mom through the journey by encouraging her to write down her thoughts.

Years later, she will be able to see how far she came. 

This season can return time and time again, but it will never be like the first year. Stay close to your friends, wrapping them in warm blankets of love and compassion in their coldest winter. You will be a reminder that spring is coming.

The mention of my child’s name may bring tears to my eyes, But it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you are really my friend, let me hear the music of her name. It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul! -Author Unknown