The morning of our wedding I was nervous. Maybe everyone has butterflies, I hate to admit this, but I wanted to run. Although my husband and I graduated from the same high school in the same year, we were two very different people then and our paths never crossed. When we first officially met it was June 2004 and I was finishing up my teaching degree and home for the summer before student teaching. Honestly I started dating him because I was not interested in anything serious and from the gossip mill I learned he had just ended a long term relationship. This made him the perfect candidate, besides he was so attractive. Before I knew it we were dating seriously and engaged five months later. We began planning a June 2005 wedding but a few months later I was offered a job to teach in North Carolina beginning February 14, 2005. I was anxious to live together before we were married so I batted my eyes and sweetly asked my Daddy if I could have two weddings. With his stamp of approval I found myself on the morning of February 5, anxious.

Was I making the right decision? Was this giant leap going to end in me crashing to the ground? I pushed away the restless thoughts and walked down the aisle to say “yes.”

Everyday I get to say “yes” to my husband. Yes, I choose you. Yes, I love you. Yes, I don’t want to do this life without you. After 15 years this is even easier for me to do. Don’t get me wrong, we do not have the perfect marriage and some days saying “yes” is through gritted teeth but every day we do.

I wish I could say the same for my relationship with God. 

If you have been following this blog since I began in May 2019, you probably have figured out that I overcommit to things so that I can run from my calling (JUST CALL ME JONAH). When I fill my days with my kids busy schedules, working, and even all the “good” things like volunteering I am really just avoiding God. 

Why is it so hard to say “yes” to God? Each night I go to bed telling God, “tomorrow is the day,” but then I wake to a gut filled with butterflies. My instant thought is I can’t do this, I am a nobody.

I was reminded this week, I am not the only one who felt this way, so did Moses. I love how He always reminds me of people who felt the same way.

If you are stuck in a rut of saying “yes” to everyone but God, come along with me. 

Here we have Moses. He was born during a time when the Pharaoh demanded all male babies were to be thrown into the Nile. Instead his mother hid him for three months and then placed him in a basket in the Nile River. He was found by the Pharaoh’s daughter who took him as her own. He grew older and eventually fled after killing a man who had beaten a slave. After he was kind enough to come to the rescue of some ladies drawing water for their flock, he was blessed (yep we are a blessing) with his wife. While tending to his new family’s flock a bush began to burn and speak to him, God was giving him instructions. 

Five times during this interaction Moses doubted himself. 

• I am a nobody. 

Exodus 3:11 But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?”

Who am I? This is me. All the time. I constantly feel like the least likely candidate to get the job done. I look at the people around me and see far better options.

• I am uneducated.

Exodus 3:13 Moses said to God, “Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ Then what shall I tell them?” 

Just like Moses, I do not have the answers. I am no biblical scholar. I did not go to seminary. What can I possibly say that matters? 

• I am inferior.

Exodus 4:1 Moses answered, “What if they do not believe me or listen to me and say, ‘The Lord did not appear to you’?”

I have no clout, no authority. I do not have a large following. 

• I am unqualified.

Exodus 4:10  Moses said to the Lord, “Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.”

Have you met me? I am messed up. I don’t do everything right and I will mess this up too.

• Just send someone else.

Exodus 4:13 But Moses said, “Pardon your servant, Lord. Please send someone else.”

When every argument is backed with confirmation I always end with this very statement, “please send someone else.” Really. There has to be someone else out there.

Mark Batterson said in his book In A Pit With A Lion On A Snowy Day, “If you don’t turn your adversity into a ministry, then your pain remains your pain.”  So here I am sharing my adversity. Yesterday, news arrived our “next step” to saying “yes” to God was approved by the state of North Carolina. Without a doubt this approval was followed by a million butterflies in my stomach. Then the doubts rolled in. As much as I want to tell God “please send someone else” I will not. Instead, I am going to say, “Yes, I choose you. Yes, I love you. Yes, I don’t want to do this life without you.” 

Do you find yourself like Moses, coming up with every excuse? What do you need to say “yes” to?