For thirty four days after my son’s open heart surgery I could not hold him. For weeks his chest remained open only covered by a thin plastic that looked similar to saran wrap. Instead I would place my index finger in his hand, gently rub his chubby face, and memorize every inch of his body to be forever engraved in my soul. On March 5 one of our favorite nurses, Amy, gave me a gift. Looking back I am sure she knew the end was near and as a momma herself she knew how empty a mom’s arms could feel. With extreme care, pillows placed strategically, and multiple team members Alexander was placed in my arms. Despite the ventilator and multiple lines I could stare into my son’s eyes again from a position that is all too often taken for granted.
For just a short while I could feel the weight of his little body and the pure joy of closeness.
March 17 was the third time I got to hold him since that first day. I could feel time slipping away. As I stared down at my son, I pleaded to God for more time, when our cardiothoracic surgeon walked into the room. It was with tears in his eyes, he confirmed it “was time.” He had done everything he could but the hope of his earthly healing was gone.
I externally stood firm in my faith when internally I waged a war of negotiations.
In Overcoming Bankruptcy I shared a moment I had when God had answered my prayer in a hallway moment, but all along I thought God would change His mind.
Moment’s later I was hit with the news a good friend of mine had lost his son the day before in a boating accident. This was the final straw. I could not bear the weight of the emotions of grief welling inside of me, the fear filling me.
As many of you are reading this you are stuck indoors amidst the Coronavirus pandemic. Some of you may be ok or even annoyed at the day to day life changes inflicted on us. Others of you may be in a state of fear. Fear of job loss, scarcity resulting in crime, your physical health, and a million other reasons.
Fear is overwhelming and can be physically debilitating. Since the fall we have been learning as a family to put fear into perspective. In Oprah’s Supersoul Podcast, Best Lifesaving Lessons, it was stated, “humans are the only mammal that doesn’t run in the other direction when senses fear.” Fear is not a bad thing. It keeps us from going with strangers and walking up to a bear. In our current situation fear can keep us from making decisions that could cause more sickness and for those at greatest risk, death.
When left uncontrolled, fear will wreak havoc. It will cause panic, stress, and lead to unwise decisions. In the fall, our five year old was diagnosed with General Anxiety. When his fears are triggered and left unchecked we have meltdowns that quickly spiral into episodes that last hours.
When he is slipping into an anxiety attack, he must be reminded that he is safe and he is loved.
Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 also needed this reminder.
Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.
We are all given a “thorn” whether it be in persecution, loss, sickness, self doubts, depression, and in these current times the serious domino effects of the Coronavirus. I love that Paul pleads with God because it is authentic. Just as Paul wrote again in Philipians 4:6-7
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
It is difficult to not be anxious in a society that screams FEAR every way you turn, but it IS possible.
We need to bring it to Him. Will it magically disappear? No. Just as with my five year old’s anxiety, we can’t ignore it, we must address it. By bringing it to God, we are refocusing our fear on the only one who can control it. We are reminding ourselves, “We are safe. We are loved.”
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Just as God told me “no” in the hallway.
Just as He didn’t waver to my pleading and negotiations.
Just as He already knew the depression that would overwhelm me.
Just as He foresaw the darkest days ahead of me.
He also rejoiced in how He could shine through my weakness.
“My grace is sufficient for you.”
It was to Paul.
It was to me fourteen years ago.
It is to me today.
It is to you right now.
The world breaks everyone, and afterwards, some are strong at the broken places. – Ernest Hemingway
Today we may be broken. But today we can bring it to Him. It may get worse before it gets better. Through Him we will find Hope In Healing Hearts.
