Early one morning my then almost three year old came half way down the stairs quietly and put his sweet little face between the bars. I looked up and realized he was waiting for me to speak first. I said, “Good morning buddy.” He very seriously replied, “you were a scary mommy.”
The night before he, for the love of God, would not sleep for more than an hour at a time. If this was just a random night I probably would have handled it better. But no, this was occuring for weeks. This momma was OVER IT. The emotional, exhausted, and practically a two year old myself part of me took over. I pouted. I yelled. And I threw a tantrum. I was indeed “scary.” This is not my most proud mothering moment.
What is wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just be one of those parents that comforts and nurtures their child through the sleepless nights? Years later I will wrestle with has this night in some way caused him his anxiety?? These are the thoughts that plague me. The reason is because I am ashamed.
Shame is Satan’s playground. He sees just a speck of shame and he runs with it twisting it all around the monkey bars and sending you down the slippery slide of misery.
- When we speak negatively about someone. Shame.
- When we put someone else down to advance in our field. Shame.
- When we criticize another mom’s parenting. Shame.
- When we try to find the slightest mishap in someone else to make ourselves feel better. Shame.
- When we are unwilling to apologize for the mistake we made. Shame.
- When we get so tangled up in the sin we feel there is no way out. Shame.
- When we feel ashamed for our poor parenting moment and so cast shame onto our kids. Oof.
There is a man in the Bible that lived the lesson of shame. David, you know the “man after God’s heart” (1 Samuel 13:14). David the one who was looked over by his earthly father (1 Samuel 16), kills Goliath with a slingshot (1 Samuel 17), is chased by a jealous King Saul and when has the opportunity to kill him he doesn’t, not once but twice (1 Samuel 17-26). This is the David I am referring to.
He first feels shame in 2 Samuel 11 because as we see in 2 Samuel 10 he was instructed by God to go to battle. David had fought before and this time he didn’t. So we find David unable to sleep.
2 One evening David got up from his bed and walked around on the roof of the palace.
For me, when I am feeling the pressure of shame, I can’t sleep.
When God is calling me to do something, and I really don’t want to, I will lie awake contemplating all the reasons why I am right and God is wrong.
But it is on this evening we continue verse 2
From the roof he saw a woman bathing. The woman was very beautiful, 3 and David sent someone to find out about her. The man said, “She is Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam and the wife of Uriah the Hittite.”
She is married. Welp David you looked, you inquired, and now it’s time to get your butt into battle as God as instructed you to do. But just like you and me, it is not that simple.
Instead we choose to cover our shame with more sin, in hopes this will fill the hole in us.
4 Then David sent messengers to get her. She came to him, and he slept with her. (Now she was purifying herself from her monthly uncleanness.) Then she went back home. 5 The woman conceived and sent word to David, saying, “I am pregnant.”
And these are the Days of Our Lives…. Just like any good soap opera we do not confess to our sins. We cover them up! This is something we start doing at a very young age. My youngest was out playing with the neighborhood boys when my husband called him in for his bath. He gets him in the tub and notices he has red paint on him. Brandon assumed maybe he had painted with me earlier in the day and asked him about it. Lukas replied, “I don’t want to talk about it.” Can you guess what happened next? Oh they definitely talked about it and he found out the boys (3-5 years old) had painted the one kids house RED. Lies of omission are still lies.
Cover Up Attempt #1:
David sends for the husband to return from battle and meets with him. My skin crawls when I read what happened next:
7 When Uriah came to him, David asked him how Joab was, how the soldiers were and how the war was going. 8 Then David said to Uriah, “Go down to your house and wash your feet.” So Uriah left the palace, and a gift from the king was sent after him.
David acts as if he cares for him. Fake people irk me. Please only really ask if you really care, not if there is something in it for you.
But Uriah surprised David. He doesn’t return home. He is a man of integrity and stays with his men (2 Samuel 11:9-11).
Cover Up Attempt #2:
David must get him to sleep with his wife so that the pregnancy appears to be his. David gets Uriah drunk in hope he will return home then to his wife. But Uruah still stayed with his men (2 Samuel 11:13)
Cover Up Attempt #3:
David is desperate. He has dug himself a hole with no way to get out. He sends Uriah to be sent to the front of the battlelines to be killed. (2 Samuel 11:14-17)
Final Cover Up:
David takes Bathsheba to be his own wife. To those who do not know the secret, he looks like a hero.
26 When Uriah’s wife heard that her husband was dead, she mourned for him. 27 After the time of mourning was over, David had her brought to his house, and she became his wife and bore him a son. But the thing David had done displeased the Lord.
The problem with shame is it causes us to cover up and to make excuses. David’s inability to address and confess his sin lead to more sin. Eventually, God addressed David and it resulted in this child dying (2 Samuel 12).
Recently, I realized I have been carrying and covering up my own shame. Almost 11 years ago I felt called to write a book. I knew it was not a book for me, but God wanted to use our story to bring Him glory and help other mom’s. But JUST CALL ME JONAH because I am not usually THE FINISHER. So years later when my friend and neighbor, Sarah Bucciero lost her son to Anaplastic Astrocytoma Glioma after fighting it for 10 months, she wrote a book about their journey to raise money for St. Jude. When I caught wind she had written the book (we were no longer neighbors), I was devastated. I made it all about me. I was angry, “why God would you put this on her heart too? You KNOW I am supposed to write this book.” Now remember I have been telling God, “no” for 10 years. I had ASKED Him to choose someone else! But yet, here I was angry. I began feeling very ashamed. Ashamed I had not stepped into my calling and ashamed of my absence to Sarah.
After studying David, I knew I did not want to be like David. So I called Sarah this week and told her. There is something about confessing your inner struggles with someone that helps release the wrap Satan has been using to hold onto me. He told me she wouldn’t understand, that she would be angry, and that I would be ruining any chance to have a friendship. He suggested I cover it up some more, like Lukas, with lies of omission.
I am glad I didn’t listen to Satan. I am honored to join in celebrating another momma’s journey in remembering her sweet boy Carter. Carter was my daughter’s age and they loved to play babies together and ride around the neighborhood in their power cars/trucks. Carter had the most contagious giggle. He was wise beyond his years. Sarah’s book St. Jude Momma: A Love Story is only one part of her journey for Carter. She has been raising money to support St. Jude for four years and in the past two years has a mission to raise $150,000 to have a legacy named lobby after Carter. She has also been partnering with Binkeez for Comfort by bringing 100 blankets to St. Jude Hospital and 150 blankets to the Target house every year. Sarah is a force to be reckoned with when it comes to her sweet boy. She held him through every moment of his life and she continues to hold onto his memory by doing wonderful things in his name.
If you would like to help Sarah fund the legacy lobby at St. Jude or the Biinkeez blankets you can:
- Buy St. Jude Momma: A Love Story where the $5 profit goes to St. Jude.
- Purchase Rodan + Fields through her where she donates 100% of her profits to St. Jude and Binkeez.
- If you live in the Charlotte area come out on March 14 to Kendra Scott at SouthPark Mall 12pm-2pm 20% of all purchases will go towards Carter’s naming opportunity.
Has Satan been using shame to hold on to you? What confession do you need to make to begin to release the grip of shame?
