One summer Sunday I had a breakdown in my closet. My oldest  was 7, the next one was 5, the baby was close to a year and I was barely sleeping. I felt like the kids were a constant list of demands and my only outlet of a few days a week teaching night classes was moved to online only. Naturally, I went to the furthest place from everyone in my house, the master bedroom closet and I cried. OK. I sobbed. Ugly girl sobbed. As I looked around at my clothes I sobbed some more “when was the last time I could fit into that?” My husband found me first. He told me to go out to dinner and go see a movie. I had instant relief but then was immediately filled with mom guilt. “How could I leave my family to do something for myself? What if the baby does something cute without me? How will this make the kids feel knowing mom is leaving them?” But the biggest hold of my mentality was “what kind of mother am I that needs a break?”

I have been experiencing mom guilt since pregnancy. “Am I eating well enough? Exercising enough? Since I can’t swallow pills are these Flintstones good enough?” It evolved with the birth of our first son who was diagnosed with Hypo-plastic Left Heart Syndrome over 24 hours after his birth. “Am I at the bedside enough? Am I doing enough? Am I asking the right questions? Do we hold onto hope even though we see him suffering? When do we say good-bye?”

As the other children were born the mom guilt had changed yet again, “do I hug enough? Encourage enough? Do enough? Was the decision I made right? Should I have…?” 

Tell me I am not the only one. Woo woo all aboard the mom guilt train!

I don’t know about you, but with Covid-19 there has been a whole new batch of mom guilt. The constant interruptions while trying to work make me irritable. “Should I have been more patient?” Because I am working I worry “am I listening enough, taking enough time to play?” As I see other mom’s on social media doing all these cool activities with their kids I feel the pang of “you are not enough.” Then there is the school guilt “am I pushing too hard? Not pushing hard enough?” The questions around technology time “should I regulate it more? Am I not being lenient enough?” 

The most recent mom guilt revolves around the “what ifs” of social distancing. “Are we becoming too lenient in regards to neighbor friends? When soccer and dance reopen will it be safe enough? If one of the kids or my husband and I get sick and become fatally ill can I live with our decision?” 

Is it just me, or is all of this exhausting? I know they say we have more time than ever but “we” is not me. Launching a new business, a book to help momma’s, and a children’s book on anxiety has not been ideal during a time when there is no “alone time” to get it all done. Even as I write this I am answering kids schoolwork questions.  I have been pushing myself trying to do it all, reminding myself the finish line is just ahead. I know just about every week I have told you I am a quitter and the force is strong with this one. I question how to continue to pursue the vision God has given me when I am being pulled in so many directions? How long can we go before we break? How much mom guilt can we take? 

This week as I read Exodus 2 I see another mom who is stuck in her own situation. The mother is Jochebed (we learn this later in Numbers 26:59) and during the time the King of Egypt, Pharaoh, is fearful his people will be overpowered by the Hebrews so demands all Hebrew sons to be thrown into the Nile River. But one mother, Jochebed, couldn’t bear to do it. Seeing that her son was a “special baby” she hid him for three months. I wonder what made her deem that he was “special.” When I think back to the pregnancy/birth of our first he was without a doubt “special.” God had begun stirring in my heart long before he was born; this was no normal baby and I wonder if Jocheb felt it too.  

In Hebrews 11:23 it says, “By faith Moses’ parents hid him for three months after he was born, because they saw he was no ordinary child, and they were not afraid of the king’s edict.”

She acted in faith. Not fear. 

Exodus 2: 3 But when she could no longer hide him, she got a basket made of papyrus reeds and waterproofed it with tar and pitch. She put the baby in the basket and laid it among the reeds along the bank of the Nile River. 4 The baby’s sister then stood at a distance, watching to see what would happen to him.

Oh the mom guilt of letting go. Can you see her on the river side as she looks into the basket? The immense sadness behind the tears, the fear of being caught, the tearing pain in her heart as she walks away? It doesn’t say that God came to her in a physical way revealing it was time. But I know from personal experience, God always shows up. He always reaffirms your faith, making the difficulty of letting go possible. 

God wasn’t done with this child or his mother.  

5 Soon Pharaoh’s daughter came down to bathe in the river, and her attendants walked along the riverbank. When the princess saw the basket among the reeds, she sent her maid to get it for her. 6 When the princess opened it, she saw the baby. The little boy was crying, and she felt sorry for him. “This must be one of the Hebrew children,” she said.

7 Then the baby’s sister approached the princess. “Should I go and find one of the Hebrew women to nurse the baby for you?” she asked.

8 “Yes, do!” the princess replied. So the girl went and called the baby’s mother.

9 “Take this baby and nurse him for me,” the princess told the baby’s mother. “I will pay you for your help.” So the woman took her baby home and nursed him.

10 Later, when the boy was older, his mother brought him back to Pharaoh’s daughter, who adopted him as her own son. The princess named him Moses, for she explained, “I lifted him out of the water.”

Jochebed essentially got her son back! She was the one nursing and taking care of him. She was the one to be able to care, protect, and provide for her son. I can not imagine the second heart break of handing him over again, but this time she handed him over knowing he was to be adopted. She was trusting in a perspective that was far greater than her own. 

Several weeks ago I began to notice a burning/pinching in the left side of my chest that felt like my heart. 

I would notice this mainly at night while lying on my left side. If I would try to take calming breaths it would feel worse. The only thing I could do was sit up and roll to my other side and it would slowly subside. I did what I am best at. I ignored it, ran the opposite direction. When it began happening every night, I grew more concerned, but not enough to call my general practitioner. The mere thought of going anywhere for testing makes me anxious. This past week, in an effort to make time for my kids, I took them all on a bike ride. Halfway through I switched bikes with my 10 year old as she was struggling and I wanted to see if she had just outgrown her bike. Sure enough, that was the problem and they left me in their dust. Can you picture me, 38 on a bike too small for a 10 year old? Oh the things we do for our kids! I tried sitting. I tried standing and riding. But to no avail, I was just too big. I hop off and begin to walk the bike back home when out of nowhere I feel it. The same pain in my heart. “You are totally fine. You have been doing Insanity for weeks which is way worse than this! Get it together woman!” My neighbor pulls up next to me at just the right time. I told her what I was experiencing and she encouraged me to call the Doctor. 

I grudgingly call. Do you know what he said it is? 

ANXIETY! Me anxious?! I laughed. Out. Loud. 

I said, “it can’t be that I don’t FEEL anxious.” He explained the power of the subconscious and how our body can show physical symptoms first. As I began to list all the things I could be anxious about, I realize it is most definitely anxiety!

If you are reading this and can resonate with the mom guilt I am here to tell you, it’s time to let go of the idea. We are placed here to care, protect, and provide for our children. It is time to let go of the mom guilt that comes with comparison. 

Here is how we can do this:

• Provide for all their needs during this time: meals, groceries, clean clothes, a clean house, hugs, and helping with homework. 
• Care for them each day by playing with them, going on walks and bike rides together (note to self: buy Irelyn a new bigger bike!), cook together, push them on a swing, throw a ball, play with chalk, and do the things they want to do. Carve out a few hours throughout the day. If they are old enough to entertain themselves you can encourage that! 
• Protect them the best way you can but trusting God like Jochebed did. Look how her trust turned out!

She physically delivered Moses who eventually delivered an entire nation (her nation) from bondage! 

Just like Jochebed, God wasn’t done with her or her child and I believe that for Alex and I. I need to keep pushing forward. Make the time to care, protect, and provide but also to remember God’s perspective. He continues to bloom new ideas and projects (yes, I have begun writing again!) and I don’t know what this will look like, but I don’t want to be too afraid to trust. 

Are you ready to give up the mom guilt? Are you ready to push forward on the thing God has placed in your heart?