“You don’t have to let that one thing be the thing that defines you.” After You Jojo Moyes
Growing up I would always hear people’s testimonies in church and youth groups. They were all filled with trauma, divorce, loss, and addictions where Christ had pulled them out. I secretly felt left out as if my relationship with God was less significant.
Just as I began my happily ever after, trauma struck. Surrounded by family in the cafeteria my husband placed before me an anniversary gift. It smelled of pure heaven with it’s layers in perfect proportion. Each bite was better than the first as it was a reprieve of our new reality. Only five floors above us lay our newborn son in ICU with his chest open. In ten days he had flown on a medical helicopter, underwent open heart surgery, went into cardiac arrest, and was brought back to life. Never again have I eaten a more delectable piece of coconut cake.
As family and friends returned home, I was often left alone at my son’s bedside and in my thoughts. For the first time in my life I had no one to lean on and had to grab hold of the only place I knew to find peace. Within the walls of Duke Medical Center the peace only God can provide surrounded me.
Losing Alex, however, was more than I could carry. The more days that passed, the more angry I became. I was angry with everyone, especially those who tried to tell me “God’s plan.” Since we live in the South, “God’s plan” is on the lips of everyone brave enough to speak to the broken childless woman.
My anger if left unchained would have undoubtedly caused irreparable damage.
Paul (previously Saul) was a man known to persecute Christians. In Acts 7:57-58, 8:1 you find the stoning of Stephen.
7:57 At this they covered their ears and, yelling at the top of their voices, they all rushed at him, 58 dragged him out of the city and began to stone him. Meanwhile, the witnesses laid their coats at the feet of a young man named Saul.
8:1 And Saul approved of their killing him.
Not only did Paul approve of the stoning but he held the coats of those who did it. I wonder how. How can someone just stand there and witness something so horrific? Then instead of choosing to walk away after witnessing this, he decides to seek out more Christians to put them on trial to be killed. It is on the road to Damascus (Acts 9) when Jesus appeared to him through a bright light and blinded him. God also gives a vision to Ananias to restore Paul’s sight.
13 “Lord,” Ananias answered, “I have heard many reports about this man and all the harm he has done to your holy people in Jerusalem. 14 And he has come here with authority from the chief priests to arrest all who call on your name.”
15 But the Lord said to Ananias, “Go! This man is my chosen instrument to proclaim my name to the Gentiles and their kings and to the people of Israel. 16 I will show him how much he must suffer for my name.”
Paul’s sight is indeed restored.
20 At once he began to preach in the synagogues that Jesus is the Son of God. 21 All those who heard him were astonished and asked, “Isn’t he the man who raised havoc in Jerusalem among those who call on this name? And hasn’t he come here to take them as prisoners to the chief priests?”
Here is the thing, Paul could have let his past transgressions be the thing that defined him. He even considered himself the “worst of all sinners” as he writes this in 1 Timothy 1:15.
The weight of the shackles of shame could have been enough to hold him down, but he chose Jesus.
Paul chose to share his testimony.
I am not proud of the months of anger and depression I endured after losing Alex. The faith I once had in the hospital felt hypocritical. Everyone expected me to be the same person as the one who sent out faith filled emails of hope.
The girl who wrote those was gone, she no longer existed.
I was on my own road to Damascus, ready to defend my anger if pushed enough, when God reminded me of who He is. He pulled me out.
Unlike Paul who at once began preaching the gospel, I kept it inside. Unlike Paul who despite his reputation could push forward in his calling, I was stuck. Weighed down by the shackles of shame and in the facade of faith, I hid.
Embarrassed by my inability to see past the pain I didn’t want anyone to know the truth. Doing what God was calling me would require me to be vulnerable, this could damage my reputation.
Although I wanted Alex’s memory to live on I did not want this to be the thing that defines me.
I don’t want to be known as the woman who lost her child.
Paul says in Philippians 3:13-14
13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
The trauma doesn’t have to be your label, but through Jesus it can be what brings purpose to your pain
On Saturday you will find me eating a piece of coconut cake. It won’t be from the cafeteria of Duke Hospital escaping the reality of trauma, nor will it be to celebrate our one year wedding anniversary. This piece of cake will be to celebrate the one year anniversary of this blog! Celebrating the opportunity to be raw, vulnerable, and pursuing God’s calling for me.
We want you to celebrate with us! Grab a dessert of your choice and take a picture. Tag me on either of my social media handles (Instagram or FB) with the hashtags #happyanniversary and #hopeinhealinghearts to be entered to win a $10 Starbucks gift card (coffee is my favorite thing) and a signed advanced copy of my new book Hope (Amidst the Stories I Told Myself): How to Find Hope in Love and Loss. Drawing will be held at 5pm on Saturday, June 30.
This week as we celebrate the adventures of this calling, I want to challenge you. Are you allowing something from your past to define you? Where is God calling you? Are you on your own road to Damascus of destruction? How can we come along with you to pray for and celebrate you?
