Why is it when someone gets married, has their first baby, or does anything for the first time we feel the need to give unsolicited advice? One common marital advice we often received was, “do not go to bed angry.” Maybe this is great advice for other people, but it is not sound advice for us. This resulted in me being angry as my husband could doze off in the middle of an argument. Never, and I mean never, have I been able to work through something when I was cranky, tired, and over emotional. Let’s be honest, sometimes I need the whole night to realize I might not be 100% right or on a very rare occasion, I might be 99% wrong. 

Whenever someone comes at me with advice, I may smile and “listen,” but in my head I am saying to myself, “Girl, please. I’m Grown.” 

Last week I wrote Hold Me Up and I told you how I am a giver, but a horrible receiver. This applies to advice as well. 

Is it rooted from my own desire to feel heard and understood?

Obviously God is really working on me with this because I keep coming back to the passage in Exodus 18. After I posted on Monday, I began thinking more on this relationship between Moses and his father-in-law, Jethro. Why is it Moses was so willing to take his advice?

5 Jethro, Moses’ father-in-law, together with Moses’ sons and wife, came to him in the wilderness, where he was camped near the mountain of God. 6 Jethro had sent word to him, “I, your father-in-law Jethro, am coming to you with your wife and her two sons.”

7 So Moses went out to meet his father-in-law and bowed down and kissed him. They greeted each other and then went into the tent. 8 Moses told his father-in-law about everything the Lord had done to Pharaoh and the Egyptians for Israel’s sake and about all the hardships they had met along the way and how the Lord had saved them.

9 Jethro was delighted to hear about all the good things the Lord had done for Israel in rescuing them from the hand of the Egyptians. 

There is power in a good relationship.

I am enamored with the love and respect both Moses and Jethro have for each other. It is not a one sided relationship, but rather a give and a take. We see Moses respect his father-in-law in how he greets him and we in return see the delight in how Jethro responds to Moses. When advice is going to be received well, there must be a solid relationship already established. 

13 The next day Moses took his seat to serve as judge for the people, and they stood around him from morning till evening. 14 When his father-in-law saw all that Moses was doing for the people, he said, “What is this you are doing for the people? Why do you alone sit as judge, while all these people stand around you from morning till evening?”

15 Moses answered him, “Because the people come to me to seek God’s will. 16 Whenever they have a dispute, it is brought to me, and I decide between the parties and inform them of God’s decrees and instructions.”

There is power in observation and clarification.

Jethro observed Moses all day and into the night before he voiced his concerns. Then, after observation, he asked for clarification. How often do we wait for the right moment to have a conversation? How often do we find ourselves with a foot in our mouth wishing we would have not said something? 

In early February of 2006, we were staying a few nights in the Hampton Inn of Durham while our son was being treated at Duke Medical Center. I had just had a c-section and I still appeared pregnant, so when Brandon and I were eating breakfast in the lobby and one of the men from the table next to us noticed, I wasn’t too bothered. However, when he made the comment, “She understands how important milk is since she is pregnant” and I replied, “I am not pregnant” he turned three shades of red. I said, “It’s ok I just had a baby!” He probably should have stopped there, but he then asked where the baby was. As I proceeded to tell him our son was born with Hypo-plastic Left Heart Syndrome and had undergone open heart surgery I am pretty sure he lost his appetite. This was a moment he could have spent more time observing. Had he done that he would have noticed how incredibly exhausted our bodies were, how worried our eyes were, and just how many family members were surrounding us in hushed whispers. He may not have understood the whole picture, but he probably wouldn’t have put his foot in his mouth. 

17 Moses’ father-in-law replied, “What you are doing is not good. 18 You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone. 19 Listen now to me and I will give you some advice,

Your experiences mean nothing.

Advice was given and then received well (continue to read Exodus 18 to see how this is played out), not because Jethro had a great amount of experience under his belt, but because of their relationship. 

Theodore Roosevelt said, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” 

Often the best advice comes not from someone who understands everything I am going through, but from someone who has my best interest at heart. Jethro had Moses’ best interest at heart. 

Sometimes you need an “outsider” perspective.

Isn’t it funny how something can be wrong, but because you live with it day in and day out it appears normal? I imagine this is just how Moses felt. He was doing what he knew how to do. It was working for him, until his father-in-law taught him a lesson of work smarter not harder. 

When my kids were little we lived in a neighborhood with many other stay-at-home moms and it was amazing. I got especially close to one of the moms who had a daughter the same age as my son. Her daughter was bright and was speaking clear sentences (also probably reading novels in her spare time) by the age of two. During a play-date one day, my friend told me she thought maybe my son had a speech delay. The news stopped me in my tracks. I plastered a smile on but most definitely was saying, “Girl, please” in my head. The more I thought about it, the more I realized she was right. When my daughter was born we had to leave my parents with an entire list of sounds and their meaning so they could understand him. When we had him evaluated, the speech pathologist said he had created his own language. I understood him, because I had learned his language. I am forever grateful for this unsolicited advice from a friend because it brought clarity to an issue I didn’t even recognize, just like Moses. 

So when you are hit with unsolicited advice, take into consideration the source. 

Is it someone who has earned your respect, someone who is observant, and someone who can bring an outsider perspective? If the answer is yes, then take your time to listen to their advice. You might just need to hear it. 

If your answer is no, then follow the advice of 1 Peter 3:9

9 Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.