Have I ever told you I am deathly afraid of strangers dogs? I am talking my pits start sweating and I lose all rational thought, kind of fear. In my lifetime we have owned three dogs, and yet the fear of strangers dogs will cripple me. No, I was never bit by one, but I am going to blame my mother for this fear. As a child, she was chased by a German Shepherd while on her bike and was traumatically bit in her leg. This story passed down over the years, has instilled in me this irrational fear. 

Perhaps you are not grasping the full image of this fear, so come with me for a moment, down memory lane…

It was a beautiful spring evening when my husband and I decided to go for a walk. We had moved across the country so we would often walk our new puppy, while exploring the neighboring streets around our townhome. Without the invention of GPS, it made it all the more fun to see where the roads would take us. I now realize this was a horrible idea for many reasons, one being my husband has the worse sense of direction, zero internal GPS. 

All was well on this beautiful spring day as we slowly explored new streets and talked about our future. Just as we were passing a house well off the road, two dogs came running full speed towards us from their porch. I gasped, scooped up our puppy, and briskly continued walking further down the road. Crisis was averted and I was so thankful they hadn’t spotted us until we were almost past their home. I was pretty proud of myself for not completely losing it. Just being newly married, that would have been horribly embarrassing. 

As we continue to move down the paved road it begins to turn to rock and dirt, then the unthinkable happens, a dead end. This is how horror movies begin. I realized quickly I was going to have to go back past the house of Cujo (times two). This time, they would be waiting for me. 

I did what any twenty-four year old woman would do, I cried hysterically and refused to move. My newlywed husband was flabbergasted at my irrational fear. He began to try to speak “logic” to me. There were no words that were going to get me to walk past that house again, nothing. When he began to tell me the one dog only had three legs, it only increased my fear. Wouldn’t this mean the dog is angrier?! 

Because we were newlyweds, he was much more patient or just shocked, and agreed to go to the house first and get the owners to take care of the dogs so I could walk by unscathed. 

According to fairygodboss.com, those with irrational fear are “those afflicted by phobias understand that these reactions to specific, non threatening stimuli are unreasonable, but are incapable of changing their behavior.” 

It is also that constant brain battle of “what if?”

What if the dog attacks me or my children?
What if _________ is a bad choice for my family?
What if _________ loses a job?
What if I wouldn’t have _________?
What if I forget to ____________?
What if my kids fall behind this year?
What if I die young, will my kids be ok?
What if I get seriously sick?
What if one of my kids gets seriously sick?
What if none of this really matters?

Right now my biggest fear: 

Who will remember my son when I am gone? 

Tomorrow my son would be 15. I can’t even wrap my mind around 15 years old. Would he be itching to get his learner’s permit? Would he be interested in dating? Would he be proud or shy about his scar? Would he be a momma’s boy or a total teenager embarrassed by my presence? Would he enjoy Math, Science, History, English, Art, or Band? Would he have the heart strength to play a sport? Would he have had his heart broken yet? Would peers be kind to him? 

Who would he be and what kind of man would he become?

I imagine every year and at every stage or milestone I will be wondering these same things. Although these thoughts break me, it is the thought I will carry his memory when I leave that shatters my soul. 

He was here only a short while, but his life mattered. 

In Psalm 23:4 David says, 

“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”

David, who was once a shepherd, understood the darkness of night. He understood the fears of the things we can not see before us. He understood that just as he would use the rod and staff to protect his sheep, God would protect him. 

I will not pretend that it is easy to remember this promise, especially when the valley feels deep. 

If you too are struggling with the dark, irrational fears, and deep valley, I am here to tell you just because they can’t be felt by everyone else doesn’t mean it isn’t real to you. Fear is scary. Fear is overwhelming. 

But God has brought me out of the valley over and over again for the past 15 years and he will do it for you. 

Just as David praises God for his protection, so shall I. 

Just as the night feels dark, I will remember although I can’t always feel Him, He is protecting me.

Tomorrow, sweet boy, for your birthday send Momma some angel kisses. I will hold onto his memory and to anyone who is reading this, will you say his name tomorrow? Will you tell his story?