Sixteen years ago, on a snowy afternoon, my husband and I washed each other’s feet and said, “I do” in front of thirty of our closest family and friends. It was not the wedding I had dreamed of nor was it the elaborate wedding we had been planning. After a job offer sixteen hours from home, we decided to get married in just two weeks, five days before we were scheduled to move across the country. Even though we didn’t wear the traditional wedding attire, it was in every way perfect.
In honor of our anniversary I was able to convince my husband to join in on this blog for the first time in a role other than my hot IT guy.
What do you think makes our marriage work?
Brandon: It’s important to understand that we have had quite a few struggles throughout our marriage. Some, like losing a child, moving across the country, and tight finances. What I feel like holds us together is that divorce has never been an option. Candice and I talked early on and agreed that we would work through anything as long as we were committed to each other.
Candice: I agree! I also think a part of what makes our marriage work is we both feel like we don’t deserve each other. When we both have this mindset, we are willing to serve the other. Everytime I read the book of Ruth I find another golden nugget and when I read Ruth 2:10 I couldn’t help but think of our marriage. Let me be clear, this verse is in no way about marriage but instead was in reference to the man who owned the field she was gleaning from.
Ruth 2:10 Ruth fell at his feet and thanked him warmly. “What have I done to deserve such kindness?” she asked. “I am only a foreigner.”
Think about when you first met your spouse, everything about them is fascinating and intriguing. You can’t stop thinking about the other and you without a doubt, feel like you don’t deserve the relationship you have found. After time, this infatuation disappears as you get into a routine and rhythm. But when we keep the idea that we don’t don’t deserve the other, we continue to want to impress them. We continue to serve the other with kindness, respect, and a willingness to look past their imperfections.
If you were to give a newly wed couple one piece of advice, what would you give them?
Candice: Discuss openly and honestly the future, finances, and financial goals. It is so important to be on the same page with the big things.
Brandon: When you look at older couples and you envy where they are at, remember that is not where they started. You see the big house, the reliable jobs, the happy family; what you don’t see is the struggle they went through to get there.
What is the most difficult thing our marriage has gone through?
Three things stick out the most to both of us: losing our first son Alex, dealing with in-laws, and how to parent our youngest son. Hopefully most marriages don’t have to endure the loss of a child, but many will endure some sort of loss, navigating family relationships, and different styles of parenting.
Four things you should do when you have difficult times in marriage:
1. Listen to the others perspective. This means to really listen. This doesn’t mean to listen for all the reasons to argue back or manipulate the tone in their voice that sends you reeling. Instead, to truly listen to what they are saying and why they are saying it. When we take the time to place ourselves in someone else’s shoes, being willing to see a new perspective, our eyes are often opened.
2. Stop when things get heated and come back to it later. This also goes along with listening. When we are so busy spewing out our emotions, we are unwilling to listen. Having a good marriage is not having to work through angry, hurtful words but instead choosing to not use them at all.
3. Compromise. This can be hard. However, we have found when we have taken the time to hold our tongue and listen to the other, compromise comes more easily. It is not about “winning” or “losing” the argument, but being able to say, “I choose you and because of that I can _____.”
4. Seek a professional. In dealing with our parenting difficulties regarding our son, it has taken the help of a professional counselor to help us to see the other’s perspective. We both were adamant that we were doing it “right” and the other was “wrong.” She helped us to see we needed to work together and how we each could do this better.
Although this was not written about marriage, Romans 12 is wonderful advice for any relationship.
Romans 12:17 Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. 18 Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.
Sex expectations?
Because I included my husband on this blog, he said we can’t discuss marriage without discussing sex. Here is what we have learned regarding sex over the years:
Your sex life will have ups and downs. When we are busy with work and have kids it can be really easy to not make sex a priority. Hey we get it, you are tired when it is time to go to bed and it feels easier to make promises of “tomorrow.” But eventually the “tomorrow’s” add up and there is a space between you, that you never meant to happen.
One of our other downs was after losing Alex, I was very depressed. The absolute last thing I wanted to do was have sex. Considering Brandon and I were just past our one year of marriage, I don’t think he thought the “honeymoon” should be over. Thankfully, he was extremely patient with me during that season. Looking back, I realize although sex wasn’t what I felt I needed it was still something he needed to feel connected to me, and it was wrong for me to be unwilling to see that.
Because life is busy you have to make the time for sex. I am not saying put it in your planner, but I am saying talk to your partner. We have a code word and throughout the day we will remind the other so that we are both mentally prepared when we have finally gotten everyone in bed. Since Brandon is a morning person and I am a night owl, this also helps me to get all the things done that I would normally stay up late to do, so that I can be ready to spend time with him. Otherwise, he can tell you I will have a whole list of things to talk through before and he LOVES that (insert eye roll).
As I recommended in Marriage Secrets, without a doubt you need to have an overnight date night. To disconnect from the daily demands of work, kids, and the house and instead reconnect to each other. You will not regret this.
Last thing about sex (sorry Mom and Dad) is try new things. Sixteen years of marriage seems like a long time, but honestly we aren’t even close to the amount of time we plan to be married to each other. Therefore, we can’t be “bored in the bedroom.” Sex shouldn’t be the same everytime. This is your life long partner, the perfect person to be adventurous with (I am still working on following my own advice…insert giggle).
It is a choice.
The grass is not greener and no one is perfect. Every single day we have the opportunity to make a choice. We can either choose to be miserable and make our marriage miserable or we can choose to love the one we said, “I do” to. We can serve each other, respect each other, and continue to grow in our admiration for the person before us.
Today is a new day. What will you choose?
