Please call me. Please show up at my door to make me leave the nursery. Don’t you know that I physically can not leave on my own? My shoes feel as if they are filled with cement and my legs are jello. With each day I am slowly losing the grip of reality as each night I lie awake hearing the cry of a child that no longer exists and when the morning finally arrives I can’t bear to face it knowing all that I now know. 

This is grief. This was my grief in the first year. 

Can we all just agree to stop telling each other that whatever we are experiencing is “okay”? 

Although for the person sitting on the other side of the tragedy it may feel this way, I can promise you for the person sitting in the reality of the darkest storm, it is 100% not okay. 

But hear me. Grief Momma’s need friends. We may “push” you away, but please don’t go. 

Here is what you can do:

1. Show up. Honestly this is the most important thing you can do. We don’t even need you to say anything at all. 
2. Listen. Please don’t say “faith based encouragement” such as: this is God’s plan, God needed them more than us, or God won’t give you more than you can handle. These statements will get you a sharper look than your momma gave you when you talked back. Although you intentions are good, she will not hear it this way, and the faith you are trying to preserve will be pushed away. 

Now I know some of you need something you can actually DO to help:

1. Offer to help in the everyday things. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, or even just a trip to the mall are all great physical things to do. She may not want everyone doing everything FOR her, but doing them WITH her can make all the difference. 
2. If you must say the “faith based encouragement” write them. You can give her verses or share a faith based testimony, but tell her it is for her to read when she is ready. This way you are not dismissing her potential anger or making her feel guilty for not being able to muster up her faith in a difficult time.
3. Buy her books on child loss and a journal. Encourage her to write her story (shameless plug I have made one of these for you: Forever A Momma). There is a great peace in being able to get your memories on paper.  

When months go by and the rest of the world has moved on, we have not. 

We still need our friends, even more than ever, because everyone else has “moved on.” 

Here is what you can do for your friends in the first year:

1. Show up. 
2. Listen.

I am aware this is a repeat from before, but I can not express to you the importance of these two steps. Isn’t it great that you are not expected to know what to say? 

3. Send a random text everytime you think of them to just say,  “I love you. I am here.  And I am checking in on you.” When you do this you are reminding them you have no expectation grief is easy and you are here for the long haul.
4. This is not the time to tell them, “you are young, you can have more” or to ask when they plan to start trying again. Infact, completely erase it from your thoughts as it will never be the right time for these. 

Even if I have my “rainbow baby,” this child will never replace the one I lost. 

A parent’s grief will never be erased if they are able to have another child. Their love for their child never disappears. As the years go by you can still be friend to a child loss parent:

1. Show up. Reach out on anniversaries and birthdays of the child. These are dates that often are forgotten by others. 
2. Listen. Ask how they are feeling, but be ready if there is no answer (and that is okay!)
3. Tell stories about the child every time one pops in your head or is a part of normal conversation. Don’t skip around it, as it makes it more uncomfortable and feels like you don’t want to remember them. 
4. If something reminds you of their child, text it to them. For me personally, it is hearts. Whenever I get a picture of a “heart” in an everyday object someone found and made them think of my son it makes me smy (smile/cry).
5. When the time is right, encourage them to help someone else. When a parent can be there for another parent going through a similar loss it can begin to show a purpose in their own pain. 

If you have been a crappy friend the good news is, it is not too late! Text your friend right now. 

Every momma wants their child to be remembered, be the friend that remembers their child.