Today is a hard day. A day of dread. I should be waking up with anticipation for my husband and I would have been searching high and low for the perfect (new to us) car for our son. You guys know this feat would have been difficult in these times of buying used cars. But we would have done it and kept it hidden so that on this day he would find his car sitting in the driveway. 

Turning 16 is a right of passage. The new freedom you embrace with a license. I would give anything to see the joy on my son’s face as we leave the DMV (you only smile there on your 16 birthday) in his brand new car to go on an adventure all his own. 

I would give anything to have all the worries of parenting a newly independent 16 year old. 

But instead I have all the grief of “I wonder…”, “what would he…”, and “why did it have to be this way?” Sometimes these thoughts can be surrounded by deep non-teary thought, but on days like today it is buried with remorse, sadness, anger, denial, and even shame. 

Once you start down the rabbit hole, Alice, the tears will only get bigger. 

Despite my grief surrounding me in a dark cloud today, I am actually free from the weight it attempts to bear down on me. 

Alex no longer carries a heart that is more broken then my heart feels. 

He no longer feels pain. He will never experience sadness or anger. In every moment on this earth, he was surrounded by joy, laughter, and a whole lot of love. Alex is free from the darkness of sin. Because of Jesus, we will not be separated forever. 

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

Matthew 19:14

Jesus cried over the death of Lazarus and Mary wept at the feet of the cross of Jesus, just as I will always cry over the loss of Alex. But my baby is free and therefore so am I from carrying the burden of grief. 

Toni Morrison said, “Once you’re free, your job is to free everybody else.” 

If you are reading this and feel conflicted with grief, me too. If you struggle to see the silver lining, sometimes I do too. Please know, you are not alone and you also don’t have to stay where you are. There is a rainbow after the storm and there is hope. 

Today I’m going to eat cake, sing Happy Birthday, close my eyes, and blow you a million kisses to heaven. 

You are so loved, Little Man.