Each time we pass a car we are briefly in their blind spot. Though the moment may be brief, a split second is all it takes for the very same car to decide to move into your lane without looking first. To avoid collision, you jerk to the left forcing you on the rumble strips and hitting loose gravel, dirt, debris at over 70 mph. The result is tires reacting uncontrollably sending you spinning to the right across three lanes of traffic into the ditch. In the spinning, your life slows to a sudden crawl as you see semi’s barreling toward you and you hear a scream.
You are unable to recognize your own voice as it rings in a distance far removed.
Having an event occur in your life that alters your current path is real. It can cause you to stumble, veer in a new direction or completely prohibit you from moving at all. Unlike a vehicle, our bodies can feel broken beyond repair, but still have the expectation of working just the same. After a too brief pause, we are often expected to jump back in the fast lane while driving the “totaled” shell of our bodies.
The distanced scream is on constant replay in the back of your mind as you vividly remember the very moment your life changed in a split second.
The trauma of hearing the news of your new reality is often overwhelming, forcing you into a shock or even denial. But once you can’t deny the pain anymore, it arises from the depths to inflict a new unrecognizable pain.
This is where our grief is a choice. Although we can’t choose our grief we can choose how we respond.
In the beginning we really only have two options:
1. Veer left. In doing this we are avoiding the collision. We pretend, bury our emotions, and slap a “fake it until you make it” smile on our faces. We quickly begin filling our time with functions, hobbies, or even mindless Netflix binging. Our homes can become quickly consumed with things we don’t, nor never really will, need. If you have ever watched the show Hoarders, you will notice a common trend and grief is often the spark. Veering left can avoid the initial pain, but the damage is still inflicted. Those who come upon the collision may only see the outer shell intact, unaware of how deep the damage is.
2. Hit it head on. When we face grief in the moment, at the moment, and truly sit in our grief past the initial moments we will be deeply wounded. The damage will be done instantly and it will be overwhelming and terrifying for both those in the car and those passing by.
After time passes and others move on in their life, those in the car will determine their next steps:
1. Continue to veer. This is never fully dealing with the emotions attached. It is my opinion, this person will eventually spiral out of control. The problem is no one will fully understand when this occurs because they have moved on thinking the ones involved have as well.
2. Labeled “totaled.” When a car is labeled “totaled” it is never again valued and is always considered broken.This car will be left in the dump. As a society, we are not good with those who become “broken” and often disregard their situation. In grief, this is a slippery slope.
3. Repaired. After a collision a car can be drivable, but not without its car credit report showing damage. This is the person you see after grief who can genuinely find joy again. Everyday is not walking on glass around them but instead they have beautiful flowers growing. Don’t get me wrong, once in a while the “check engine” light returns and they need to slow down, have a day to cry.
How does one get to the “repaired” label?
You don’t choose grief. You choose instead to get out of bed. (TIP: You should also make your bed so you don’t return to it later. It is much harder to crawl into a made bed.) After getting out of bed you focus on your health. You choose physical health by drinking water, eating foods that will fuel your body, shower, and exercise (or just walk outside). You choose mental health by reading, praying, seeking therapy, and making time for friends.
How we choose to carry our grief determines our friendships, our careers, our joy and happiness.
Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Yoke, even for a modern day farmer, is not a term we use often unless referring to eggs. A yoke instead helps to carry the heavy object by distributing the weight. Therefore instead of carrying the grief alone, I have the choice to give it to Him.
Trust me, carrying the grief alone is too much to bear.
When we choose to give the weight to God, it does not go away but it becomes manageable; suddenly we can find laughter and a hope again.
If you are overwhelmed with the weight of grief, you are not alone. Please let me help you, share your yolk with the only one who also knows what it is like to give up a child.
