After loss the phrases, “time heals all wounds” or “give it time” is often stated. Here is the thing about time; without God it isn’t going to move. The griever is going to feel just as stuck in their grief two years from now as they did two weeks after loss.
Time doesn’t change the fact the one you love is gone. Time doesn’t remove memories or replace the dreams you once had for the one you lost. Time makes you feel like you should be “moving on” and second guess your grief questionsing, “should I still be upset over their loss?”
I do not have a degree in psychology, but I am an expert through experience. Infact, I am just coming out of a valley. Yes, 16 years after my son’s death I still find myself in a valley of grief. But I do not remain in the valley.
The more time we spend in the valley, the more comfortable we become there.
Many of you are aware that I am pretty meticulous when it comes to a tidy house. My husband likes this quirk but he doesn’t like the fact that most of the time I am running around folding blankets, picking up toys (once kids, now the dog’s), and cleaning the kitchen before I can go to bed. But sometimes I let the house go. It always starts small, such as a pile of things on my desk, a game that needs to be put away, or hanging up homeschool projects. The more days that go by, the more “normal” it appears. Then one day you wake up to a tornado of crap and wonder if the camera crew from Hoarders might arrive any minute.
This is life. Our relationships, our jobs, our careers, and our dreams sometimes get stuck in the valley on the way to the mountaintop. Although the valley may not be perfect or exactly what we desire; we settle. We settle because the valley is not always a dark and scary place, but can be a place of streams, flowers, and communities.
Perhaps this is why we get stuck in the valley of grief; we find our “community”.
Momma, just because you are in a loss community does not mean it should be a place that constantly brings you down. Although we find comradery, we should also be seeking hope.
When King David’s son dies in 2 Samuel 12 we find him going from praying and fasting to worshiping God.
20Then David got up from the ground, washed himself, put on lotions, and changed his clothes. He went to the Tabernacle and worshiped the Lord. After that, he returned to the palace and was served food and ate.
David was aware he would go to his son again one day, but his son would not return to him on this earth.
Worshiping God so quickly after his loss is hard to fathom. Speaking for myself, I went through many stages with God throughout my grief journey.
An example of a mother who endured the loss of her child is Mary, the mother of Jesus. We see in John 19 that she was there when He took His last breath.
25Standing near the cross were Jesus’ mother, and his mother’s sister, Mary (the wife of Clopas), and Mary Magdalene. 26When Jesus saw his mother standing there beside the disciple he loved, he said to her, “Dear woman, here is your son.” 27And he said to this disciple, “Here is your mother.” And from then on this disciple took her into his home.
We see Mary again in Acts after Jesus’ death in prayer.
13When they arrived, they went to the upstairs room of the house where they were staying.
Here are the names of those who were present: Peter, John, James, Andrew, Philip, Thomas, Bartholomew, Matthew, James (son of Alphaeus), Simon (the zealot), and Judas (son of James). 14They all met together and were constantly united in prayer, along with Mary the mother of Jesus, several other women, and the brothers of Jesus.
Mary was in a community of prayer. Losing her son, despite understanding the circumstances as much as her human mind could, does not discredit the hurt her heart must have felt losing her son.
It is often said, we must experience the valley to seek and appreciate the mountaintop.
When hiking, especially with young children, there is whining, stumbling, and body parts that feel as if they can’t keep going. But once you reach the top it is all worth it. The sun seems to reach places you never noticed before. The perspective helps you to see there are things that seem so much less important. From the mountaintop you can see a whole new world (are you singing in Aladdin’s voice too?)
To answer the question, “aren’t you over it yet?” the answer is no. I have experienced the valley but will always choose hope in Him. I will not stop praising Him (worship) through the pain of child loss nor will I stop seeking Him through prayer. I will continue to allow Him to use me and remind other momma’s their pain is real, their child is not forgotten, and there is hope.
If you are in the valley of grief I want to encourage you to do as David and Mary.
- Turn to God and pray, even when you don’t want to.
- Seek Him by reading the Word.
- Worship Him through Thanksgiving, even after loss there is always something to be thankful for.
- Find a community (or even just one friend) to encourage, pray, and read the Word of God with you.
You are NOT alone.
