Today as many Americans rose to the rising sun, we felt a heaviness in our hearts. A grief for all that has occurred the last several weeks and quite honestly, it is piled on top of weight we are already carrying. But as time goes on a new tragedy will take its place and our attention. The parents and loved ones of those in Uvalde school or the supermarket in Buffalo, they will carry the overwhelming weight for their lifetime. 

This morning as I opened my eyes, I was hit with the reminder of what it was like to wake up the first time after my son passed away.

It is an immediate, indescribable, all over body pain. You feel as though life can not possibly go on and at the same time you have a small hope that perhaps it was all a horrible dream. 

Unlike the parents of the Uvalde children, I was given the chance to not only say good-bye to my son, but to hold him as he passed. I can not begin to understand the destruction of their hearts. 

Maybe in all the recent news you didn’t notice, but I haven’t been writing. Yes, it was the end of the school year and yes, we were on vacation, but those are all just excuses. The truth is my heart has been heavy. In the past several months, there have been weeks I will sit in church and I am overwhelmed with anger, doubt, and questions, “why God?”

Why are some healed and others not?
What are children formed in the womb without a chance?
Why are innocent people and children killed?
Why do we still have war?
Why does cancer have to exist?
Why? Why? Why?

As I read the Bible in search of answers and comfort, I find more wars, attacks, infertility, and I continue to ask “why?”

When carrying a heavy weight, you either eventually drop it all in the decision none of it is worth your time, energy, and thoughts or you push through.

If you have been reading my blogs for the past few years, you will see I am generally a quitter when it comes to hard things. However, I refuse to quit on my mental health and my faith. 

Recently I was reminded of Joseph who was sold into slavery by his brothers and then after working hard and rising to a higher positiion, he was wronglfully accussed of mistreating the Pharoh’s wife and therefore, imprisoned. Yet, Joseph remained faithful. (Joseph’s story can be found in Genesis 37-45)

So I am writing this today with a very open heart for two reasons. First, if you too are overwhelmed and carrying a heavy burden, I want you to know you are not alone. Your feelings are valid and we can and should come to Him with our doubts. Continue seeking Him. Only He can truly reveal and comfort our weary souls. What I love about reading Psalms is knowing that David, the “man after God’s heart”, wrote many of them. 

Therefore, even he felt overwhelmed and he cried out to God. 

From the end of the earth I will cry to You,
When my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
Psalm 61:2

In my distress I called upon the Lord,
And cried out to my God;
He heard my voice from His temple,
And my cry came before Him, even to His ears.
Psalm 18:6

I sought the Lord, and He heard me,
And delivered me from all my fears.
Psalm 34:4

The second reason I wanted to be vulnerable is to be surrounded. When you are conflicted and alone, no one can pray for you. But when we allow others in and with the opportunity to support us in prayer, things change. Maybe, I am alone in this, but I need to see change. Will you pray?