As I was preparing for this blog it became very clear how difficult it is to identify a topic, write from your heart, and be vulnerable to criticism.  I want to recognize my amazing wife, Candice DeLeeuw, for putting herself out there each and every week.

Have you ever thought about the impact of such fundamental questions like, “Do you have kids?” or “How many kids do you have?” could have on someone?  I do now…

Shortly after losing our first born son Alex, I started a new job.  When my supervisor introduced me to the team, he asked a very reasonable question, “Do you have kids?”  I was unprepared, I was speechless.  As I stood in front of the room two difficult choices ran through my head.  Do I say, “Yes” or do I say, “No”? 

On one hand, if I say, “Yes”, there will be follow-up questions.  How many?  How old are they?  Boy or girl?  The fear of eventually getting to a question where you have to say, he passed away.  The look on their face, the guilt when they say, “I am so sorry to hear.”

On the other hand, if I say, “No”, then it is easier.  I don’t have to answer any follow-up questions.  I don’t have to worry about the guilt on people’s faces when I say he passed away.  But, I then feel like I am forgetting Alex or that I am letting him down in some way.

My goal today is to recognize two things:

1. Losing a child is hell – According to Deborah Carr, chair of the sociology department at Boston University, “The death of a child is considered the single worst stressor a person can go through.”  Parents naturally feel responsible for their child’s well-being.  So when losing a child, you’re not just losing someone you love, but also losing the future you had hoped for them.  Candice wrote a great blog called 16 Candles that talks about the bright-side and the tears about the stress that comes from various milestones. 
2. Everyone processes loss very differently – There are very well documented biological, psychological, and social impacts of losing a child.  Losing a child will put stress on a marriage and family like nothing else will and will either strengthen or ruin them.  Candice and I processed the loss of our son in very different ways.  Candice, goes without saying, wanted to talk about it.  I, like Dwayne Johnson in Central Intelligence, “Here’s the secret. You know what I did, Jet? I took all that stuff and I balled it up real tight and then I shoved it way down deep. And I just pretty much ignore it.”  Although extremely unhealthy this is how I chose to process the loss for many years.  In fact, it took over 10 years before I started talking about it.

While the process looks different for each individual, it is important to recognize that it is natural and normal to grieve.  God is the source of peace during grief.  

Revelation 21:4 promises, “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

First Thessalonians 4:13-14 says, “But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep.” All believers will worship together with the Lord in heaven for eternity. Our loss may be painful now, but it is temporary.

For additional resources for those struggling with loss, I encourage you to check out Candice’s book on Hope and weekly blog.