As I child I remember the magical mornings of Christmas. My little brother and I would often sleep next to the upstairs tree (Santa visited the downstairs tree) on Christmas Eve. This was of course after we had left our cookies for Santa and carrots for the reindeer. One special Christmas Eve we heard a noise on the roof when in the bath. We were so excited, but my mom told us we had to hurry to go to sleep so he could come back. Everyone know’s Santa can’t visit unless you are a sleep! When morning would arrive we would frantically run to wake my parents, who would give us the daunting task of waking our teenage siblings. After many attempts, we would get them up, to then be amazed at all the presents under the tree. They were spilling out as well as our excitement.
These are memories our children will never have. I can only recall three Christmas mornings spent at home since the birth of our children. There are no family traditions and nothing super magical about Christmas morning. They are not welcomed with hundreds of gifts under the tree or even their own tree. In many ways this makes me incredibly sad.
But if I am completely honest with myself it is because Christmas was never going to be what I had imagined it to be.
In December 2005 we were just one month from the delivery of our first born son. We were so excited for his arrival. I was dreaming of what the next Christmas would be like: Santa pictures, cute Christmas pj’s, and all the traditions we would begin as a family of 3. The next year would come but we would never be the same.
How do you create a magical Christmas when you are broken?
I do my best to pretend in this season. It is fairly easy to disguise the sadness as “Christmas stress” worn on the faces of everyone.
Hustle to the store. Bake a little more. Tis the season to be stressed. Fa la la la.
Recently I discovered a song, ironically written in 2006 the same year we lost our son, World Spins Madly on by the Weepies.
“Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you’d gone
and let the world spin madly on”
This was our reality after we lost Alex. The inability to move. The emotional aches that make you physically exhausted. Each task unbearable. With time the pain doesn’t go away. I’ve learned to not allow it to penetrate every part of my being. But sometimes, such as Christmas, I am hit with this ache to my soul. The heartbreak that takes my breath away and makes even the most magical moments seem difficult to power through.
You want to just close your eyes and sleep the days away in hopes when you wake the pain will become bearable again.
So on Christmas the world is spinning madly on. Everyone can smile, laugh, and love as visions of Hallmark movies dance in their heads. But I’m silently screaming inside. Screaming for the child I will never have this day with. The dreams once imagined are broken.
How do you create a magical Christmas for your living children when you are broken? This is part of the struggle. You feel torn. A part of you wants to weep for what you have lost, but the other part of you wants to create this magic for the others.
Keep busy… has always been my motto for handling things.
Over the years I have realized the years we spend Christmas day “busy” by going to an amusement park, discovering new things, and making memories as a family I am the happiest. I still remember Alex, but I am not overwhelmed with sadness in the “let me just go back to bed” kind of way. Instead I am distracted and soaking in the moments.
John 3:16
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.
Just a few days ago I began reading a book about a women, Sheryl Sandberg, who lost her husband, Option B. Let’s be honest Option A, my dreams of magical Christmas mornings from 2005, died with our son. We began Option B. Here I am approaching our 13th Christmas without Alex and I am still struggling. This year it is time to begin Option C.
It is time to begin new traditions. A new tradition of focusing on being a family unit on Christmas. A new tradition of being “busy” together. Making memories, exploring new destinations, and remembering although I may miss Alex terribly, I will see him again.
If we look hard enough, I think we can see pieces of him on our journey.
The world will keep spinning on. Alex will forever remain in our hearts and this year we will be on the look out to find reminders of him along the way, finally healing the broken parts of our Christmas. .
What family Christmas traditions have you had to shift to a Plan B (or C)? How do you handle the loss of a loved one during this season?
