Anxiety can be triggered in my 5 year old any time of day, but sometimes we get in a holding pattern. Recently it has been at bedtime. Now I have to admit I think most can relate with the worries of today’s regrets and tomorrow’s decisions we have shoved down all day only to rise when we have stopped long enough. My son doesn’t just worry about the darkness or monsters in the closet, he has worries beyond his age. He worries about his bus friend’s feelings when he doesn’t ride the bus home the next day because I am picking him up early. He worries about a slight change in routine or having to try something new. He will even worry relentlessly about the possibility of taking tennis lessons and who will be watching even though it was suggested one time, months ago. Most often he will be in a continuous loop of the same worry, just altering the ending slightly. 

This is crazy! I don’t relate to that at all (sarcasm inserted). 

The “what if” game has played Wreck it Ralph in my mind for years. 

• What if it is too hard to be on Young Life staff? How will I raise my own salary?
• What if we made the wrong decision and Alex just needed more time to heal?
• What if we just didn’t have enough faith for Alex to be healed?
• What if we allow our children too many freedoms and something bad happened to them?
• What if the squabble the morning before school ruins my kids whole day
• What if the books I have written fail? 
• What if all of this is for nothing?

A good ending pops in? Don’t worry Ralph will crash that down in no time at all while yelling, “I’m gonna wreck it!” 

One particular evening in Luke’s holding pattern of anxiety, he was having a hard time breathing he was so worked up. As he lay in his bed surrounded by superheroes,  I tried talking sense into him. I had him practice breathing, nice and slow. Then I told him I was going to pray with him. We were going to pray that God would calm his belly and help him to stop his thoughts so he could fall asleep fast. 

When I finished praying, Luke was no longer shaking or hyperventilating. He looked me in the eyes and said calmly, “Okay. But if this doesn’t work I will know God isn’t real.” 

It stunned me. I was a deer in headlights. 

I leaned down to kiss him and said, “He will.” I then asked Alexa to play Elevation Worship as I hurried out of his room. 

In the hallway I stopped and said another prayer, “God if you only answer one prayer tonight, be the prayer of that little boy!” 

As shocking as it still feels several weeks later to have a child who does not have a childlike faith, I realize he has an adult faith. He is already wrestling with what God says and Satan’s attempts to manipulate. I was comforted when a verse from Luke 7 leapt off the page:

18 John’s disciples told him about all these things. Calling two of them, 19 he sent them to the Lord to ask, “Are you the one who is to come, or should we expect someone else?”

This is John the Baptist questioning Jesus. John is the cousin of Jesus. He is the one who leapt in his mother’s womb when Mary greeted his mother Elizabeth after her conception (Luke 1:41). This is the man who when he baptized Jesus he not only saw the Spirit of God descend from heaven but heard a voice say, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.” (Matthew 3:13-17). Maybe you are wondering what are these “things” John’s disciples told him about? He healed a man without even touching him and he raised another from the dead. Where was John anyway? Why couldn’t he ask him for himself?

Well John was in prison. Makes sense now doesn’t it? Whether it’s the prison of your circumstances or the prison of doubts and anxiety Satan likes to creep in to seek, kill, and destroy through manipulation. 

It starts small, but once Satan has you in the holding pattern of doubt it’s hard to get out. 

Jesus doesn’t keep us there. He always provides a promise, a reentry to peace.

For John the Baptist, Jesus showed the men and told them using Isaiah’s prophecy because he knew John would recognize it and find peace through it.

Yesterday was the 14th birthday of our son, Alexander. I would be lying to you if I told you that birthdays are easy. But as I began to tell the story of the day I lost it in the hospital in last weeks post Overcoming Bankruptcy, each year I am reminded of God’s promise to me that day. He is still holding true to His promise. 

We don’t know for certain, but we believe Lukas is a part of His promise. After three c-sections it was advised to take preventative measures for my own safety. Being the wonderful man my husband is, he went under the knife. Two years later our church was celebrating the seven year anniversary (it opened the day we had Alex baptized at Duke Medical Center- how crazy is that?) when our Pastor preached on seven being “completion.” Brandon and I felt good about this. It has been seven year since we lost Alex and it had been rough. But we were in a good place and our marriage made it! That is definitely something to high five about. Five months later, we got very unexpected news. We were pregnant. This resulted in my husband walking around with his chest puffed out for months for his “super sperm powers” while I waddled in denial. Then the eight year anniversary of our church came around and our Pastor spoke on eight being “new beginnings.” Lukas Alexander was born March 16 just three days shy of the eight year anniversary of Alexander’s death. New beginnings. 

As much as my son’s anxiety keeps me up at night, I can be rest assured in His promise to me. It is like my mom said years ago when our church was being attacked in the media, “attack is a true sign that God is working so Satan is working harder.” 

Well guess what Satan, you can’t have my son and you can’t have my peace. 

When my mind gets in a holding pattern I am going to take the wisdom of Ralph to Vanellope, “Listen, kid… I know it’s none of my business, but why do you even stick around this game?” 

What holding pattern does Satan like to keep you in? What promises do you hold on to for exit?