Over 10 years ago, you would have seen a different me. I was in a job I loved at a high school in which I adored my students (most days). They kept me laughing and on my feet. I was constantly reinventing ways to use Civics and Economics as entertainment. Rap? Check. Sing? Check. Dance? Check. Create elaborate lesson plans? Check. Check. Outside of the classroom, my husband was known as Mrs. DeLeeuw’s husband. 

But I lost my identity. I became Brandon’s wife and my kids (insert any name) mom. 

It is a little like the queen in Snow White, “Mirror, mirror on the wall who’s the fairest of them all?” For so long it was her. She had her confidence. She was the queen of her domain. Until the day the mirror replied, “Snow White, O Queen, is the fairest of them all.” Can you see the initial shock in her face, the disappointment, the “wait, but…”? I can too. 

I too am looking in this mirror. I see love handles, a belly that since kid #4 stays in a permanent 1st trimester stance, cellulite, thighs that touch, and don’t even get me started on my wrinkles! I also see a teacher that despite trying her hardest to help each student, always will have the one who believes I am the worst and behind a computer screen has no problem telling me that. A mom who struggles to find equal time amongst her children while still managing the ongoing “to do” list. A youth leader who wishes she had endless time to encourage each of the 20 girls daily in their walk with Christ. A wife who has no energy at the end of the day to appreciate my husband for all he does. The mirror, just like in Snow White, show’s me every other woman who is doing it better than I am. 

Last week when I was preparing for Shame: Satan’s Lie I got caught up in 1 Samuel 18. Saul is still king and David has killed Goliath. Saul took David under his wing and with great confidence sent him out to battle where he continuously was successful. Saul had no reason to worry until the but. One day his “mirror” changed it’s answer. 

6 When the men were returning home after David had killed the Philistine, the women came out from all the towns of Israel to meet King Saul with singing and dancing, with joyful songs and with timbrels and lyres. 7 As they danced, they sang: “Saul has slain his thousands, and David his tens of thousands.”

8 Saul was very angry; this refrain displeased him greatly. “They have credited David with tens of thousands,” he thought, “but me with only thousands. What more can he get but the kingdom?”  1 Samuel 18:6-8

The women were singing “and,” however all Saul could hear was “but.” Sometimes I can get stuck in this mentality too.

Instead of looking at someone else’s success and saying, “I did this and ____ did this” I will begin to minimize my victory by saying, “but they…” 

In case you are reading this and think, “I never do that” let me give you some reminders.

• In a job profession when I have done all this great work but someone else gets the recognition. 
• In my home when I have done all the laundry, meal prepped for the week, and cleaned the house but the kids whine they don’t have something that someone else has.
• In motherhood when I am hustling the kids to every activity, cheering at every event, but another parent documents it better on Instagram and looks like they enjoy it more. 
• In youth ministry when I am building relationships with youth but another leader has more youth showing up to group.
• In marriage when I am making sure my husband doesn’t have to worry about the home but other wives have that and everything else all together.  
• In writing when I am pushing to get a blog out every week and finish the two books I have but other writer friends are publishing something new every few months. 

I think Saul feels a little like Michael Scott, “I want people to fear how much they love me.” 

You and I both know getting stuck in the “but” of life is a vicious cycle. If Saul would have instead used David as a partner, imagine what a great prodigy David would have been. Instead he, like the Queen in Snow White, sought revenge. Sadly, we haven’t learned from these two examples and we as a society continue to seek revenge or if you are like me, just quit. 

Bob Goff said, “We won’t be distracted by comparison if we are captivated with purpose.” 

One of my friends posted on social media yesterday how one of her daughter’s got sick at a dance competition so the other daughter learned her dance on the spot and they won second place! The sick sister could have been upset her sister stepped in. The sick sister could have said, “but.” Instead she allowed “and” because she knew the purpose wasn’t about her or her sister.

How can we change our “buts” to “ands”? How can we partner with those around us to serve an even greater purpose?