It is that time of year again: rushing, buying, time spread far too thin, lists only seem to get longer…

Stressful and stressed out.

Last year I wrote Broken Christmas and because of Covid, my Option C (aka Option Cruise with my family exploring new destinations together) has been canceled.

Thinking about it being canceled overwhelms every part of me because I can’t “do” Christmas. 

I feel it coming. The winds are gaining force and the waves are growing higher. Each breath gets more difficult. Sometimes I am able to bob up high enough for air, other times my lungs are filled with water. 

Even after almost 15 years, the grief during this season is unbearable. Every fiber of my being is under the weight of its stress and is triggered by the demands of everyone around me. 

Early this morning I couldn’t fall back to sleep so I reached over for the Bible App and read the book of James. As the brother to Jesus, there are so many good nuggets here but I was drawn back to read James 1 over again. 

James 1 (NIV)

5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 

In my current state of mind, this annoyed me. How many Christmases must I endure feeling this way? Why can’t you allow me to escape the demands and soak in the sun and memories of new adventures with my family? 

6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

Oof. I am 100% like a wave of the sea. Am I the only one that sometimes still doubts the will of God? Am I the only one that still has an echo of what ifs bouncing around in their head? Am I the only one who’s heart still cries out WHHHYYY?? Am I? 

The same verses in the New Living Translation say: 

5 If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. 6 But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. 7 Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.

Divided loyalty. Being an American, there is a long history of divided loyalties. One that many during the American Revolution struggled with. Do you support the king far away or the people who you are surrounded with in the place you currently live?

Many of us struggle with this concept today. Today our divided loyalty is between the King in heaven and our earthly family, demands, job, friends, and everything else that pulls our attention.

Perhaps if we were more willing to commit to being loyal to Christ first the other things would fall into place. 

I am not saying they will be perfect, as trials are a form of perseverance (ahhh… for another week), but the sea will settle. 

As we move into the holiday season and are overwhelmed with grief may our hearts only echo be, “Here I am! I need you!”