Since losing Alex I have struggled with the mind games of “what…?” What would he look like, what would he be like, what sports/activities would he like, what would life be like if he were here, etc. I am positive I am not the only one who dwells on these thoughts especially as milestones are not met.
But I am not positive others have struggled with what I am about to share.
Although I struggle to be this vulnerable, I want other momma’s to feel heard if they too have experienced this.
Shortly after Alex passed away, a brand new baby boy was born. Although I was happy to have a nephew, I was distraught. My heart felt like it had been ripped into a thousand pieces and it was difficult to be genuinely happy for someone else who had what I so desperately wanted. Each picture, reunion, or discussion was a reminder of what our family was missing. In no way were these feelings because of anything someone did or said, but were fully due to my own wrestling with grief. I wish I could tell you that 14 years later this improved, but I would be lying to you.
Weeks ago I was reading Deuteronomy. As I was reading Deuteronomy 29:2-6 specifically God began working on me.
2 Moses summoned all the Israelites and said to them: Your eyes have seen all that the Lord did in Egypt to Pharaoh, to all his officials and to all his land. 3 With your own eyes you saw those great trials, those signs and great wonders. 4 But to this day the Lord has not given you a mind that understands or eyes that see or ears that hear. 5 Yet the Lord says, “During the forty years that I led you through the wilderness, your clothes did not wear out, nor did the sandals on your feet. 6 You ate no bread and drank no wine or other fermented drink. I did this so that you might know that I am the Lord your God.”
Let me set the stage for you. The Israelites have endured years of slavery in the hands of the Egyptians, rescued by God through plagues and Moses, escaped through the rising of the Red Sea split in just enough time for them to make it to the other side, while the Egyptians were swallowed up by the same waters. As one might imagine, they believed the Promised Land was just around the corner. To their disbelief because of their own disobedience, they spent 40 years wandering the wilderness. We learn in the book of Numbers, the first generation delivered from Egypt will die before reaching the Promised Land.
It must be incredibly frustrating to experience such amazing miracles and yet never reach the promise.
Verses 5 and 6 in Deuteronomy reminds us that even though they wandered they were not without.
As I read this I began to make my own list.
God allowed…but gave me…
-Alex to die…insurance to cover medical costs, new friendships to surround me, anonymous men to cover our funeral costs.
-Youngest to experience anxiety…a marriage that is strong, medical staff who empower us
-Covid…the education and opportunity to homeschool kids creating the best environment for the youngest
-People to walk out…security in my marriage and new friendships
There are just a few of the many examples I jotted down; I was taking inventory. If you are a business owner or work for a business, you know the grueling task of taking inventory. Counting and sometimes recounting supplies, merchandise, etc. For a business this is crucial in order to get the full picture of where the business is in regards to sales and determine what they already have.
As my family visited family this past week, we were able to spend time with our nephew. For the first time I was able to look at him differently. Sure at first glance my heart hurt, but then something changed inside of me. He reminded me of our youngest and his interaction with him gave me all the happy feels.
It wasn’t because he did anything different, but because God was already working on me.
He had shown me to take inventory of all that I have, not focus on what I was missing.
Doing this the weeks prior, opened my heart to a shift in perspective. I am so thankful for a God who reminds me of how good He is. So now I challenge you to take inventory.
What are the things that you already have?
