Remember being a child before Christmas? Oh, the excitement as new gifts appeared under the tree and the anticipation of what could be inside! Then on Christmas morning the box was revealed and we marveled at the picture on the box that identified the possibilities of what could be done.
In May I wrote, I Need A Miracle and if you made it to the very end I revealed a personal revelation of my disbelief.
I have placed God in a box.
God can perform miracles.
God can provide financially.
God can bless you.
God can do so many things for anyone else.
Why do we struggle with believing in miracles for ourselves? Ross Peterson, a psychiatrist from Boston said in an article in The Atlantic, “…those of us who believe in miracles are more able to surrender ourselves fully to our emotional experiences, without attempting to analyze or reduce such experience.“
Did you see the word I did? Surrender. In other words, submit. The longer I hold on to things I can control with my son (doctors appointments, social situations, home school, headphones in noisy places) the longer I am unwilling to surrender.
But as I shared in I Need A Miracle, a large part of my unwillingness to surrender this son is because I have already surrendered one.
In 2007, as my son, Alexander, was being rushed in for another emergency surgery, I was rushing to a quiet place to pray. I was overwhelmed with the reality that I was losing my son. I needed a miracle, a miracle only He could provide.
In Matthew 8:1-3
When Jesus came down from the mountainside, large crowds followed him. 2 A man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said, “Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.”
3 Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” he said. “Be clean!” Immediately he was cleansed of his leprosy.
The leperer said, “if you are willing” and Jesus said, “I am.”
As tears streaked my face and my body trembled with overflowing emotion, I prayed for Him to heal my son. But just like the leper, I said, “I want your will, not my own.” But my story did not end with healing. My story ended with a “no, but you will be ok.” In this moment God did not provide healing, but He provided peace and more time.
Almost 16 years later and I am still stuck in the answer of “no” because the reality of my son’s death was the most difficult thing I have had to endure. Now as I struggle to watch my son struggle in this life I want him to be healed.
But my fear of the “no” keeps me from surrendering.
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
Isaiah 53:5
Just like a child’s Christmas gift, we can not experience God until we take Him out of the box we have placed him in.
He has died so that we can be healed.
Are you keeping God in a box for something? Do you need to open the box and lift your arms in surrender? Can you help me pray for my own surrender in this? How can I pray for you?
